"God: ...I used your teachers to encourage you creatively when the church could not. I used Georgina to build structure in your life when you had none. I used the Rock ''n' Rollers to heal you, and Pedro to wake you up. I worked with whatever I got my hands on. Can you see that?" -Susan Isaacs, Angry Conversations With God
So, what has, or who has God used in my life to help me because His own people were too busy to be the hands and feet of Christ when I needed them or God the most?
Anne Lamott says I own my stories and I can tell them if I want to because they are mine. If I'm afraid of hurting someone's feelings, they should have acted better...so...here we go:
My first thought is Al. Al was my softball coach freshman and sophomore years of high school. He bulled me verbally. He made me feel like I sucked at softball and was slow, and lazy, and chubby. I went home crying every day. I didn't quit at first because I loved the girls on my team and I knew what an opportunity it was to play competitive softball. It's often associated as Junior Olympics level. But one day I had had enough. I was ready to quit. The only problem is that the nine page contract I signed at fourteen--that I had been SOOO excited to sign. I thought it made me special. I thought it proved I was great-- to play softball said I couldn't. How ridiculous is that?! So I had to endure all the while having him know how much I wanted to run from him. And then he cut me and nine other girls last minute so he could create a "winning team."
He screwed me up for quite a while. I heard his voice yelling at me every time I made a mistake for quite a number of years after that...that was the first time in my life I was seriously depressed. I didnt eat, sleep--i pulled away from all of my friends and they were mad at me for it, and i broke up with a guy who treated me so well for no reason other than I was ashamed of what happened and I was a complete mess....
By the way, this is the first time I'm telling this story to someone who isn't a therapist. But it's my story, and he should have acted better. And besides, I'm mostly thankful God allowed this to happen.
Please insert your collective "wwwhhhaaaaaaaaat?!?!"
Thank you.
I had two options after all this happened: to give up or to try harder. Al toughened me up and I somehow decided to try harder. I transferred to public high school, against everyone's wishes but my own, to test myself. I wanted to see if I could still get straight A's at a big public high school where the teachers barely remembered I was in their class, and I wanted to see if I could make one of the best softball teams in Northern California--And at that point making the team would have been a success. I would have warmed that bench with my butt as if it was the most important job on earth, if only God would help me make the team. I just needed to make the team. That would have been enough hope to hold on to so that I wouldn't have to believe Al's voice in my head anymore.
Well, I never got that job, that one strand of hope I had left to cling to...nope. Instead I was starting catcher for the number one team in Northern California, catching for technically the number one pitcher in Northern California, which often led to a lot of death stares from people because they hated us because we were so good....ahhhh. I miss those stares...being in a store wearing your uniform and having a whole family stare at me with loathing because they knew we were better than them...the good old days. :)
Look, was I the best player on the team- oh no! No! But I was a part of the team! I didn't suck! They were family. And I got one of the best coaches I've ever met. Trina Salcido is tough. One tough woman. And she will throw you off because one minute her hair is done, her nails are done and she's all smiles in a cute outfit, and the next she diving and sliding in said outfit with the hair and make-up and nails making us look bad. Bleeding all over the field likes its nothing. And we would run--oh would we run. We spent more time running on the track than playing softball on the filed and that is NOT a lie or an exaggeration. Ive NEVER worked that hard, and I probably never will again. But here's the thing about Trina, if you love softball, and I mean LOVE softball, you will do what she says. You will run until she respects you, because she won't just give you her respect. You have to earn it. Not once. Not twice. But each moment of every day you have to fight, you have to strive, you have to earn her respect all the time. And if that's asking too much, then you don't want to play for her. And that is why so many people thought the things they thought about her--that are wrong! Because they have no idea what a work ethic is, let alone how to spell it.
Do you honestly think I would have been ready to play for one of the greatest coaches ever if Al hadn't forced me to learn to fight? No! She would have made me cry and pee my pants. I would have given up. I would have felt like a failure, and it would have been too late to get another chance. My body had already started to fail me. Those two years with Trina and the girls were the best, but they cost me. No more softball. But if I could have played in my last game with anyone and for anyone, it would always be with them. Always. Trina's demands bring greatness out of you individually and as a team that you didn't even know existed, let alone was somewhere inside of you. I am who I am today in large part to her and those girls. They will never take credit for it, but it's true. And I never would have had that experience, if God hadn't used Al to toughen me up and make me decide who I wanted to be: A quitter, or a fighter...I'm a fighter. And it's because God used Al to shape me. And at the end of the day I do understand that, and I thank God for it. What should you be thanking Him for? What or who did He use to shape you, and you've been to emotional to see it?
"It is more than possible to believe that God is even now imparting the gifts of the Spirit to whomever He can and in whatever measure He can as His conditions are met even imperfectly. Otherwise the torch of truth would flicker out and die." -A. W. Tozer, Knowledge of the Holy
Even a coach who verbally abused me...because with this disease, if I had learned at a young age to give up instead of fight...well, I don't even want to imagine what my life might look like. Never. Ever. God knows what He is doing. He truly does. And I will learn to love Him regardless, all the time, no matter what, knowing He is shaping me into the best version of myself. He knows there is greatness in me that I can't even fathom exists, let alone exists within me. Thank You God. Thank You.
