My Impression Of Job

From last night's Body Of Proof:

Peter is telling Dr. Megan Hunt he got pushed into finding his birth Father. He is blaming his girlfriend.

Peter: Then why does it feel like a mistake?

Megan: Because you did something really hard. That doesn't make it a mistake.

I've had to make a lot of hard decisions because of Still's Disease, and I second guess them all the time. People's doubts, be it family, friends, Dr.s, whether they out right say it, or say it with a look on their face, I know they doubt whether I'm really this sick. If I really needed to quit my dream job. If I really will never be able to play softball or sports in general again. If I really am too sick to go to school of any kind. If I really need to live at home; if I really need someone watching over me all the time. Even my parents doubt me.

And I often blame everyone's doubts for why I doubt what I've done, for why I second guess if this is really the way my life has to be, but the truth is, it's easier to doubt it, isn't it? To like to think we made a mistake. To believe our lives could be better if only this and if only that.

We are beings who spend 99% of our lives avoiding the hard times, avoiding conflict, avoiding pain. It's easier to blame it on a wrong decision than to accept this really is the way life has to be.

Everyone's so busy trying fix me that they aren't here for me. At all. All anyone does is feed my doubts, is feed me lies about a better life. Life isn't supposed to be easy. It never will be either. It's full of trial, tribulation, conflict, suffering, pain....how we react to all of that is what matters.

On Veronica Mars she was talking about what happens when a tornado swoops in and destroys your home, your very foundation. She gave three options for people when tornados swoop into our lives and destroy everything.

Veronica: [voiceover] Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything, creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle, and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it's still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild. Because after disaster strikes, the important thing is that you move on. But if you're like me, you just keep chasing the storm. (pause) The problem with chasing the storm is that it wears you down, breaks your spirit. Even the experts agree, a girl needs closure.

By doubting if this is really the way my life has to be you are all pretending I'm still the mansion you remember. Well, I'm not. I'm not who I was, nor will I ever be. Nor do I want to be the old me. Stop illuding yourselves, and stop planting seeds of doubt in my mind. I don't want to go back. I want to rebuild. But the remodel will not look like original, so stop expecting it to. Ok?

Ive had to make some ridiculously hard decsions at an extremely young age, but I know, logically I did the best I could, and I made the best decisions I could at the time. And just because they were hard decisions, that DOES NOT make them a mistake.

Logically I know if I hadn't quit Athletic Training I would have lost decades of my life. If I hadn't moved back home...well, honestly I had no where else to go. If I hadn't dropped out of school I would have lost another decade or so. Steroids are quite evil.

And just because these were the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, and just because they almost destroyed me while I had to make them and just because they are such tough decisions you don't think I could have made them correctly because I was so young or because you are projecting your fears onto me because you don't think you could have made them at all, that does not make them a mistake.

I faced the truth; I faced reality. You are all running from it. You've been running from my disease from day one, trying to trick yourselves into believing it's not this bad, because that's easier than facing the truth. Well, I'm tired of it. It's killing me. All your doubts. Your misinformation. Your complete lack of information about Stills. It hurts me more than the disease itself.

I have not made a mistake with this disease. I have faced it rationally and prudently and carefully based on my personal experience with it. What is your personal experience with it? Do you know what it is like for this disease to be so bad you wish it would just kill you already so you could be in heaven with God? Because that is exactly what it is like. I am fighting. Every single day. I am making harder decisions at my young age than any of you. Stop making me feel like I'm making a mistake and help me face the truth. Help me rebuild, to move on, not to keep looking back. Please.