Tonight. Well, it's 4:10 am. Im staring at my ceiling wondering why I am still awake. Wondering why after all the meds I took I am still in pain. As I look through the celing up to God I feel upset I've spent the last few hours watching--and laughing hysterically at--Parks and Recreation. Feeling upset I'm masking my pain instead of handing it over to God.
So I ask Him, since this is His will for me, otherwise it wouldn't be happening, what is the purpose of these painful sleepless nights. Am I supposed to be doing something productive with them I'm unaware of, or are they simply here to make me stronger every night I survive with His strength and never lose hope in Him or blame Him, but love Him regardless of what His will for me is?
And then I thought of Paul. Sometimes I feel like Paul. I feel imprisoned in my house a lot. Simply going from my room to the living room and back to room every day. It wears on me. All of me.
But there are a number of differences I think again, between the two of us. And I think how horrible of me to even pretend I know what Paul's life was like.
Paul was blinded while traveling, met Jesus in a burst of light, and he spent a number of painful years moving from city to city, from prison to prison, and was routinely bitten by snakes.
Me? Im in a nice room, painted a beautiful Rainshower grey. I have a 40 inch tv with Netflix. I have a sleep number bed. An iPod. Two guitars. It's decorated how I want it to. Its very Ikea. I have my favorite books. And these...things...these luxuries go on and on, and I think, God, am I spoiled! Who in the world am I to complain? Seriously? Seriously, I am complaining?! I could not be more spoiled right now, and that, THAT is what God is teaching me.
Every Christian knows the following Bible verse:
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Phil. 4:13
But I've yet to meet a Christian who knows the context of that verse. Who knows what Paul says right before it:
"I rejoice greatly in the Lord at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I HAVE LEARNED TO BE CONTENT WHATEVER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned THE SECRET OF BEING CONTENT IN ANY AND EVERY SITUATION, WHETHER WELL FED OR HUNGRY, WHETHER LIVING IN PLENTY OR IN WANT. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:10-13
The context of this section is contentment. That Paul can be content not matter what, with Christ's strength. Not achieve the "American Dream" with Christ's strength. Not climb Mt. Everest with Christ's strength. But BE CONTENT NO MATTER WHAT WITH CHRIST'S STRENGTH! That's the context!
And do you know where Paul is while writing this letter? IN PRISON! He is Content with Christ's strength in prison!
So who am I? Who am I to complain tonight, or any night?! I'm spoiled. I am being a spoiled little princess, and God is not in the "business" of making spoiled children. So what is God doing? He is disciplining me into contentment no matter what the circumstances are and He is giving me Christ's strength to do so.
"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
"Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed." (Hebrews 12:7-13 NIV84)
Amen. Amen God. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And please-PLEASE remind me of this every sleepless night, and Please, never give up on me. Teach me to be content no matter what. Discipline me in to a legitimate true child of yours. Discipline all the spoiled out of me. Please. (insert my gentle smile here)
