100th Post! Thank God I'm Not Left To My Own Devices: Writing Logic Into My Heart

"Left to my own devices, would I trade this for firm thighs, fewer wrinkles, a better memory? You bet I would. That's why it's such a blessing I'm not left to my own devices." - Anne Lamott, Plan B

I miss school. I only went to college for well, a year. Huh. I always forget that. Technically I was there for two, but I only was able to attend classes for a year. I was pretty good at it you know. I knew how to get A's, which I've since learned isn't really learning. It's just an acquired skill. Learning is what I've been doing for the last seven years. Learning is a choice. It's holding yourself accountable and reading and studying what you want when you want. Its not being forced to get good grades or else it doesn't really count. Which is why I say I miss school, and not, I miss learning.

School requires so much mental exercise. And college, well, do you know what a burnout in the weightroom is? It's like that. Working your muscles so hard and so quickly that you can't move afterwards. Doing so many bench presses with so much weight when you go to try to do a push up afterwards you collapse to the ground. My brain misses that. I miss that.

I miss the everyday little goals you get to accomplish. Finish the homework. Check. Finish the essay. Check. Study. Check. Go to class. Check. Now, now it's get out of bed. Check. Take meds. Check. Eat so you can take more meds. Check. Etc. It sucks. There's no satisfaction from a job well done like when you go to school or work. And yeah, I know, it's school and work, but you don't realize you thrive off of it, no matter how tedious it is, until it's gone. Goals are all that keep us going. Without them you have nothing. You lose hope. You grow tired. You grow lonely and cranky. Your life becomes endless successiveness as C. S, Lewis calls it when you are grieving. And you are. I am. We are grieving the loss of goals because everyday when you are sick or disabled your body screams at you "You can't!" and it breaks you down until you forget how to hope, how to dream, how to set goals.

My mind has atrophied. It's bored. And I'm lying here hating it. I'm lying here wondering why I've felt so crappy and exhausted lately that I've stopped reading. Wondering why I let my glasses prescription get so bad I couldn't see much of anything but my headache. Wondering why it's so exhausting to write. I mean, you have no idea how much physical effort it is just to write this blog. But I feel like if I don't get this crap out of my head it's gonna be here forever, and I can't, I can't have that.

So I'm lying here complaining, being all frustrated and I did what I've tried to learn how to do these last seven years: what would God say if He was here while I was complaining. Or, what would someone say if they were here watching me complain. And I thought God would say, "Come on Zoe. Sweetie. You know my answer." And I thought, "hmm." and then I thought someone's response to my sad story would be, "I'm so sorry." And that's when it hit me.

I'm NOT sorry, so why should I make it sound like they should be sorry. I would then have to explain to this person that it's ok. Seriously. God did the right thing. He did the best thing for me. He saved me from myself.

When I was younger and in school getting mostly straight A's I did nothing but get the grades, play the sports, join the clubs, volunteer...I did every extra curricular I could so long as it didn't drive me insane. They had to be things I enjoyed. And I did. I enjoyed having no life. I truly don't think I would have done it any differently...and that's what scares me. I was so ME focused. My dreams. My goals. My wants. Not family's. Not friends'. Not even God's will mattered. I had somehow convinced myself that just because I wanted it, so did God. Ha! What a lie.

I promise you this: Had God allowed me to stay on the path I was on, chasing my dream job, I would hate the person I turned out to be. I hate who I was before I became her...I didn't have time for God, for family, for friends, for myself. Yeah, it's one of the greatest jobs ever, it's so rewarding and amazing, but it would have destroyed my soul. I would have let it destroy my soul. I loved it more than God, and He was the only one who knew me well enough and loved me enough and was brave enough to call me on it. To demand I change before it was too late.

God took my life's cup full of crap that kept me from Him and His loved ones and tipped the whole flipping thing over and let all the distractions and idols and time sucks out. Within two years of being diagnosed with Still's Disease He emptied the whole thing. And this time, this time both He and I know that I know what should and shouldn't be put in my life cup. I NOW know right from wrong, aka good for me and my relationships and life including with God, and what isn't. I learned the Truth and He is trusting me to do what's right. And honestly, it's the scariest thing ever.

See, He trusts me, because that's what selfless love does: it gives us a choice. It gives a a free will. But now that I know my own depravity. Now that I know I'm prone to loving darkness much much more that I'm prone to living light, I'm scared as hell. I DON'T trust myself, not yet anyway.

I mean here I am still complaining, all emotion, no logic, keeping me up at nights. I know school doesn't belong in my cup; it's too much of a temptation for me and besides I physically and mentally can't do it anymore. To me, it's like God knows not to trust me with that decision so He continues to prevent me from having to make one. And thank You Lord. Please continue! Plase don't let me make decisions we know I'm not ready to make. Keep guiding me and giving me little or big pushes in the right direction. I know what You have done and are doing for me. I hope more than anything these sticky sticky emotions stop clouding my logic about You.

I hope the Truth, Your Truth continues to guide me and my decisions as I decide how to fill my cup. If something is bad for me Lord, please tip my cup over. Please help me out by keeping things of darkness from me. Help me to know Your will and obey it. Help me to remember the muscles that truly matter, like the heart, You exercise every moment of every day. My muscle of Faith, my Fight for the Good Fight, my muscle of Trust in You. Muscles like those are what matters. It doesn't matter if I can's use proper grammar anymore, sorry Erika. ;) What matters is me knowing You. What matters is my spark of You, my soul, knowing You and putting more and more of You in my cup every day. I shouldn't miss school Lord. I should miss You. For I can never be close enough to You, not until eternity.

Dear Lord, thank You, thank You, thank You for not leaving me to my own devices. Intervene any time You want to, no matter how "uncomfortable" or whiny it makes me at the moment or even years later, because we both know that in moments of clarity and logic I couldn't thank You enough. None of us could. You are an amazing parent. Thank You for not raising me to be spoiled. Thank You for raising me well. Thank You for knowing what really is best for me and guiding me and helping me figure it out too and decide to choose what's best, not just what I want. Thank You.