Finally I figured outBut it took a long, long time
But now there's a turnabout
Maybe 'cause I'm trying
There's been times, I'm so confused
All my roads, They lead to you
I just can't turn and walk away
It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
But words can't say, And I can't do
Enough to prove,
It's all for you
I thought I'd seen it all
'Cause it's been a long, long time
But then we'll trip and fall
Wondering if I'm blind
There's been times, I'm so confused
All my roads, They lead to you
I just can't turn and walk away
It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
But words can't say, And I can't do
Enough to prove,
It's all for you
Rain comes pouring down
Falling from blue skies
Words without a sound
Coming from your eyes
Finally I figured out
But it took a long, long time
But now there's a turnabout
Maybe cause I'm trying
There's been times, I'm so confused
All my roads, They lead to you
I just can't turn and walk away
It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
But words can't say, And I can't do
Enough to prove,
It's all for you
It's hard to say
It's hard to say
It's all for you
Sometimes there aren't words to express how we feel, and that's why God invented and used poetry so often. The first 18/19 years of my life I thought I had it all figured out, but I was never trying to tell God how I felt. I never made my life all for Him. It was all for me. It often still is...but there has been a turnabout since 2004 because I am trying, and that's way more than I ever did before I got sick.
There are so many paradoxes in faith, especially in the Bible, in Christianity: eat with sinners, don't eat with sinners. Be single, get married. Well, which is it Paul? Ya know? We get confused about our faith and about God so often for so many reasons. And we were almost all raised to believe there is this one path that will lead to God, and all others lead away from Him. It used to scare me, give me anxiety. "Oh no! What if this isn't THE path I'm supposed to be on! What if it doesn't lead to God?"
And then it's suddenly your twenties and you realize you aren't as in control of choosing that one right path as you were raised to believe. You start to question what you were taught. You start seeking the Truth, God's Truth. You realize no matter what you do or what people say God is there, or at least He will be soon.
You try going left and before you know it you ended up going right, and God is there.
Sometimes I remind myself He loves me too much to let me run away. It can be frustrating, never escaping from His contant love and attention. Wanting just one moment when He doesnt know the sinful beast of a thing inside of you. A moment where He doesnt know ALL of you because its too dehumanizing, doing the things you know you shouldn't, over and over again. You trip and fall and wonder if you're blind. But I think the beauty of it is that all of life, every single path, God has been aware of from the beginning. He has a contingency plan for every path you take. He will find a way to save you from your own depravity. He will give you a way out. He will give you a clean slate and another chance because He loves you and is rooting for you.
There's always a plan, and He IS the author of His/our story. And I promise you, no matter which way you think you are going, He knows that your story, our story, will always find a way to lead us straight to Him. It's all for Him. And since He is wholly FOR us and our righteousness, and our good, it's all for us too. Once you realize it's all for Him first of course. ;)
It may feel like we can't prove ourselves to Him. It may feel like if you don't go down that perfect path He won't know how you feel. But it's not the big moments, the perfect paths, we should worry about. We should worry about the every day things. Praying. Listening. Giving. Forgiving. Giving radical grace. Loving unconditionally. Dont wait for the big moments to tell Him it's all for Him. What can you do right now, this moment, to show it's all for Him?
These everyday moments mean the world to Him. He doesn't need some huge gesture from you. He just wants you any time, any where, any how. Even if doing the dishes, don't do them because you have to because no one else in the house will do them and this frustrates you. Instead, put a worship playlist on and do the dishes to serve your family out of nothing but love. And by doing the dishes to serve others and love others, you are serving God and Christ in the process. "Whomever serves one of these..." remember?
You may not always have the words or the big gestures, but you have each moment to prove it's all for Him, not to earn grace, but to show Him you love Him. And even though you may not always feel like you are always with Him, take comfort in knowing He is always with You. He lives completely FOR us, and He always will. The least we can do is TRY to make it all for Him.
And we WILL TRY together, ok?
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