July 28, 2013
Posted with Blogsy
July 18, 2013
REALITY CHECK: SO SAD, SO QUICKLY
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| Banksy Art |
I think I'm in shock. I feel...frozen, in...dread and fear. It's one thing to play worst case scenario in your head to prepare for any and all situations. It's another to be living that preparedness.
You get very good at that when tragedy strikes out of nowhere, playing worst case scenario, especially at a younger age. It actually becomes quite comforting. At least to me. To know what's the worst thing that could happen and then wait for it, and wake in the morning to see it didn't actually come. At least it used to.
It seems like the storm of worst case scenarios is starting to roll in, and roll in strong.
We are trying to find a contractor to bring my parents and my home up to ADA standards, otherwise known as handicap accessible. All the doors need to be 36" wide instead of 32". The master bath needs to be able to have me wheel in and wheel out in the future. We need a ramp out back. We need a soaker tub for the days I can't shower...
It was one thing to imagine it, play the possible scenario out in my distant subconscious. It's another to be actually planning it and making it happen.
I don't like it, to say the least. It's an extreme lack of fun. Remodeling is supposed to be exciting, and I'm mostly scared. Worried. Sad...
Grief hits you when you least expect it. It sidelines you. At least it usually surprises me.
Celebrity Corey Monteith, that I mentioned below, tragically passed all too soon. Mariano Rivera just pitched in his last All-Star game as the greatest closing pitcher ever and the standing ovation with him alone on the field broke my heart directly into a bunch of sad bleeding pieces. Our dog Tucker is getting very old very quickly... I keep finding myself watching him to make sure he is still breathing--I'm scared; he's my brother. And then, and then literally preparing for my life in a wheelchair...
I just can't.
I don't want to.
To think about any of it.
About the young friends I've tragically lossed, one at a party, one a car accident.
The friend with Lyme Disease.
The friend who got tuberculous while building houses in Mexico with her church her junior year of high school, and how she didn't find out until she needed tested before college.
The sweet and beautiful young girl from Ellen who had cancer and wanted to be a make up artist who just recently passed.
Cleaning up my Grandparents' house knowing they are never coming back. The complete, thick, breathy, lack of them.
And then all the other people out there with Stills Disease. Or any other "invisible" disease. Especially something with as much as a stigma as "just arthritis".
Having so many people look at me and judge me for a million different reasons as all the questions and doubts and fears flood through them when they see me or think about me:
Is it really that bad?
Why did she gain so much weight?
Why doesn't she come to family gatherings?
Why doesn't she call or text or email?
Did she give up?
Couldn't she try harder?
She looks ok, so why isn't she ok?
Isn't it "just" arthritis?
I mean, I'm older than she is! I'm in pain all the time! It can't be worse than mine, can it?
Couldn't she go back to school, even just online?
Can't she work, even a little?
Or volunteer?
Why doesn't she even go to church?
Couldn't she live on her own; does she really need her parents for everything?
Why was she ok the other day and now she can't get out of bed?
Why did she suddenly come home all those years ago when she was doing so well on her own at college?
At least it's not cancer, so she will be ok. It's not that bad, so it's ok that I'm so busy, right? It could be worse, right?
I know their thoughts. I know their thoughts because I can see them on their faces when they scan me from head to toe when they see me. I can feel it radiating off their body language. But mostly, I know they think these things because so do I. The doubts plague me too. Not as much as all of you. But they still mess with me every day. I even see it in my parents eyes and comments. We don't mean to, but we do anyway. And the doubts, yours and mine, just get added to the already heavy list of things weighing on my heart and soul. And tonight, they are spilling over, over onto this page for fear of where they might land if not here.
Reality. At face value?! It really hurts...
Especially tonight.
I really, really, really don't want to end up in a wheelchair before I'm 35. And, here we are planning for that exact scenario. And it sucks.
What do my friends worry about in their late 20's? Not this. Definitely not this.
Reality...tonight I'm just not a fan.
I'm just sad.
Stunned.
Stunned, by life's immediate current state of actuality, into a tearful silence, staring into the darkness, as if that's where my escape is hidden.
As if that's where an alternate universe exists where I never got Stills disease and all is ok. Like one of the possibilities of our lives, like one of those strings of Brian Greene's theory has a version of my life free from all this mess.
Many may call it heaven.
Tonight, tonight I am finding myself longing for it--just a glimpse of it. A peak. For God to lift the veil for just a second. Just to see what she and life are like. To see that some other me is ok. That life is ok. That reality is ok. Somewhere. Even if it's not here.
I just want and need to see that, somewhere, all is not like this. Not right now. To see if there is a me, not lying in bed typing, bleeding, and crying her feelings out, wondering why life gets so sad, so quickly.
July 15, 2013
THE MARGINS
There's a lot about Glee that makes Christians uncomfortable. What they don't know is that there's a lot about Glee that is very Biblical.
Christ came from the margins of society. He meets us in the margins of society. He says, "I know it hurts. I know it's lonely. I know you are ashamed of who you are. What youve done. Who you aren't...I know you're tired of not fitting in. I know you, and I love you anyway. I always will. No matter what."
No matter what you think of Glee, it does the same thing as Christ. It gave all of us in the margins of society a place to feel special. To feel like a star. To feel loved and wanted when nobody else would love us or want us.
The show made me feel, once a week, that I wasn't alone. That I was somebody. And I was somebody extraordinary. That these people would welcome me with open arms and hearts into their family. That everyone, is just part of the beauty of Glee...
Tonight I say I prayer for the loss of Corey Monteith...Fin Hudson...
Whatever he struggled with, if he was still struggling, I'm glad the struggle is over for good, but he will be loved and missed...more than I can express to you.
I hope God comforts Lea and the rest of the cast and all of us who know how important he was to this world, the show, and the rest of us in the margins...
My heart breaks from the weight of tragedy and loss in this world in general tonight. There's just too much of it. It is suffocating and I don't know how God is able to watch us suffer.
I know He hates it. But I also know He has a purpose for it. But still, being an author, watching your characters suffer for the good of themselves and the story...it sucks. But thank Him He knows it's worth it. I know I couldn't be a Father of this many grieving children. His Love is and ocean for sure. We are all truly sinking.
May we all somehow find peace.
May we all somehow welcome everyone into the margins with us and say, "I know it hurts. I know it's lonely. I know you are ashamed of who you are. What youve done. Who you aren't...I know you're tired of not fitting in. I know you, and I love you anyway. I always will. No matter what." Even, or especially, to the cast and fans of the show Glee.
July 14, 2013
FREE: By Shawn McDonald
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| For L-- |
FREE by SHAWN MCDONALD
I feel like the weight of the world is all
Crashing down on me
And some how I just don't believe this how
It is suppose to be
And all this expectation on
The way I'm suppose to live
Becomes my minds distraction
With nothing left to give
You said your burden is light
And your load is no more
You said your ways are right
And in you I will soar
I want to be free
Free to dance and free to sing
Free to live and love and free
Oh, free to be me
I feel like my heart is being beat
Down into the ground
In you I'm longing for some peace
To be found
I know the heaviness that's
Making me cold
Is stealing my youthful soul and
Making me old
You said your burden is light
And your load is no more
You said your ways are right
And in you I will soar
I want to be free
Free to dance and free to sing
Free to live and love and free
Oh, free to be me
I want to be free, yeah
Free to dance and free to sing
Free to live and love and free
Oh, free to be me
Wanna be free
Free to dance and free to sing
Free to live and love
And free to be me
Wanna be free, yeah
Free to dance and free to sing
Free to live and love and free
Oh, free to be me
LOSS: KEROUAC STYLE
 | Daily Kerouac (@DailyKerouac) |
He was out to get back everything he'd lost; there was no end to his loss; this thing would drag on forever. | |
My feelings exactly.
DON'T FORGET
AWAKEN
 | matt dallas (@themattdallas) |
“A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born. — Antoine de Saint-Exupery | |
I look back at who I was, and she feels like a complete stranger most of the time. Especially if I see a picture of the old physically healthy me.
There's a huge difference between physically healthy and spiritually heathy. If I had to choose, I choose spiritually healthy. Most of you wouldn't. Don't. I know I wouldn't have before Stills.
I hope that blogs like mine and books by my favorite authors and with God's help and guidance throughout your story, you get to live, so that you can be slowly born.
My birth got kickstarted, forced, with the tragedy of a single event.
My hope is for yours to occur more slowly, more beautifully.
But if that single event is thrust upon you, may the stranger awoken within be slowly born into the spiritual child God created you to be.
Us to be.
WHEN GOD SAYS "NO"
 | Bob Goff (@bobgoff) |
Sometimes we won't get our way. We need to stop acting like we're going to run away with the circus every time God says “no.” | |
CHRISTIAN: ADMIT IT
 | Nicky Gumbel (@nickygumbel) |
I'm not a Christian because I'm strong and have it all together. I'm a Christian because I'm weak and admit I need a Savior. - Lecrae | |
TRUTH VS. FEELINGS
NO MORE THAN GOD
 | C. S. Lewis (@CSLewisDaily) |
“He who has God and everything else has no more than he who has God only.” #cslewis | |
OFFERING
| Daily Kerouac (@DailyKerouac) |
They never asked, I kept offering. | |
This is truly beautiful. I just wish people did this for me. I bet we all do.
INTENTION
 | C. S. Lewis (@CSLewis) |
The question is not what we intended ourselves to be, but what He intended us to be when He made us. #cslewis | |
I intended to be an athlete or an athletic trainer and serve MY interests.
God intended me to be a writer and serve HIS interests.
I am glad He let me live a little of both. I didn't deserve that.
And I'm glad He got the final decision.
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