I'm not a writer.
That's what I thought to myself earlier tonight, and I'm still processing how I feel about this feeling. It's a startling and frightening realization.
When I could no longer be the "athlete" or "student" or "athletic trainer" the second thought after, "My life is over!", was "Who am I without those things?!" The third, "What do I do with my life now?!"
It only took a few years of those questions to realize they are all the same. If you have to ask "Who am I?" and "What do I do now?" then you're already feeling like life is over. All that, those feelings and questions and fears point to the same thing: identity.
In our world we make our identity what we do. But not just that. We take it a step further into disillusionment. We truly believe our identity is not just what we do, but more importantly what we are good at. We make it even worse for ourselves by believing that if we aren't good at what we love to do, then we are no one. Right?
Please don't tell me I'm the only one who has figured that out.
Please don't tell me I'm the only one who feels this way.
Years ago, on one of my first blogs, I had an epiphany about identity, and I thought it changed me. I really did. Turns out that lasted for maybe a couple years. But it was more like a month here, a week there. And I'm even starting to wonder if I ever wholeheartedly believed it, or if I was just trying to convince myself of the truth so vehemently that I thought I believed it. And I wanted it to be true so badly that I had convinced myself it was.
But since my identity hasn't been questioned because I'm disabled and thus no one asks what I do for a living, because being disabled is my answer, what I believed my identity to be never got tested--it never got proved or disproved. Until now.
I mean, in my head, I have an idea of who I am, what my identity is, but obviously tonight I realized my emotions speak more truth than whatever I attempt to float around in my mind.
I think it started when Mom and I watched an episode of The Menatalist earlier today that took place at a high school reunion. In which Patcrick Jane stated no one changes after high school--well, not our instincts he said. Not what drives us. Not our gut reactions and feelings towards everything and everyone...even and especially toward ourselves.
That got me thinking. Thinking very carefully about who I am. Am I still that same narcissistic, overdriven, type A personality whose instincts and reactions and feelings are that of a student athlete? Or that of a Christian?
Who am I?
Who do I wish I was?
Who do I pretend to be?
Just the other night I told someone very dear to me that she isn't her past. She isn't her faults or imperfections. She isn't what she hides. She isn't who she used to be. She isn't what this world thinks or even might think of her. She isn't what she is afraid they think she is. She is a child of God. Her identity comes from God. And it's a far better and truer and more fullfilling identity than anything this world has to offer.
We are who God says we are, I said. And I believed that. I still do. Or so I thought...
If someone, anyone, were to call me "A Writer" I would deny it. Can you believe that? I would deny it. It just doesn't sound right?
It just isn't true! I would think. You've got to be kidding me I would wonder. Yeah right?! Me, a writer. You're crazy! Thank you, but no! I'm not!
Well then Zoe, who are you?
Is that why you won't use your actual name? Because you're afraid the actual and whole you will be a writer, and not just a part of you that no one really knows?
Who are you Zoe?
Who do you pretend to be?
Who do you wish to be?
I don't know...I truly don't!
And yet, I keep writing. And I keep reading. And I genuinely and wholeheartedly want and need to share my story with the world.
I don't write because I want to. I write because I need to. Because I don't know how not to...because I'd be so much crazier than I already am without it.
And God seems to be encouraging and shaping and building this into a real thing for me. So, why can't I believe it or accept it?
Why can't I accept that part of my identity is being a writer?
Is it because I don't believe I'm legitimate or good?
Is it because I believe I'm just an Ameteur or a dabbler?
Or is it because I don't want this? Not badly enough...
Or is it because I never saw this coming?
Am I ashamed to be a writer?
Honestly, sometimes--wait, what?! Did I just think that out loud?!
I am, aren't I? Some part of me is ashamed to be a writer...wow. I JUST realized that. Right now! Just while writing this right now....
What?!?!?!
But why?
This hurts. And I know it's hurting God a bit too. I can feel it. I keep denying and running from where He has been trying to lead me to my whole life...simply because it wasn't what I thought I wanted?! Simply because it wasn't what I planned...how ridiculous! How spoiled I am acting and feeling!
There are a million reasons being a writer scares me.
But there are also a million reasons I kinda love it.
I don't love it as much as sports or school or athletic training, and I might never feel about writing the way I did about those things, but those things were going to destroy me, steal me from God. And writing, it only brings me, and I hope you, closer to Him. That's the only reason I gave into quitting Athletic Training all those years ago anyway. Because as I sat in the park writing how I felt about Stills and losing Atheltic Training, writing to God, I realized I'd never felt closer to Him--I'd never spent that much one on one time with Him! If I was going to lose what I loved to do, at least I got more of Him because of it...
Fear is holding me back. Fear keeps winning this argument inside, of who am I? Fear and selfishness and pride...
And I can't be the only one this is happening to. I can't be the only one God leads to Plan D. I can't be the only one afraid of Plan D. I can't be the only one denying it. Denying who we are. Who He wants us to be. I can't be the only one mad that this isn't Plan A or Plan B. Or even Plan C. We'd take Plan C, right? But Plan D?
I can't believe I'm denying it simply because it wasn't what I planned. Simply because I don't love it as much as Plans A-C. Who do I think I am?
That's the problem isn't it? I'm back to the world's definition of identity. Instead of His...
What if who He is telling us we are is what we do, it's just not the thing we wanted our identity to be.
And it's not so much our identity, as the world makes us label it, but more a calling. A calling to be whomever He needs us to be in His world to witness and help His people.
So does my identity come from Him?
Yes.
I AM a child to a Father.
I AM a servant to a Master.
I AM a sheep to a Shepherd.
I AM a princess of the King.
I AM a friend of God's.
I AM student of the Teacher's.
I AM a bride to the Bridegroom.
I'm not who I planned to be because I never planned to be His.
None of us did. We wanted to be doctors, or singers, or dancers, business men, or athletes, or fireman or superheroes. We never once wanted to be His child or sheep or student or servant. And yet, that is what we are destined for, and by the time it's too late, we will finally learn we got it all wrong. But I hope we don't. That's why I'm writing this.
Every ounce of my identity plan was wrong. But please God help me stop complaining and whining and running from who You want me to be, because I mean...
I mean, thank Him! that what I do is because of and through all of these identities: I write for the One who says what I am.
He made me a writer. That is how I get to be His child, servant, sheep, princess, friend, student, and bride. Through writing. It's not who I am. But it is what I do because of who I am, because of who He made me. And I pray, with all seriousness and strength and devotion, He helps me not just know that or think that, but believe it and live it too.
And if you are struggling with anything like this, I will be praying for you too.
You aren't what you do or don't do or do or don't love. You aren't Plans A, B, C, or D.
You are whoever He says you are.
And He is trying to say you are someone you're currently not.
But trust me, not matter how it feels when our emotions and this world lie to us, who He says we are will always be better than any plan of ours.
And maybe He is saying you could better be who He says you are by doing something you never thought you would do, something you never planned, something that scares you and possibly even something you're ashamed of simply because it's different from Plans A-C. If so...well, I get it. And I hope we both do something about it. Good luck.
I mean, isn't it about time we let who we actually are, which is who He says we are, guide what we do?
You are His, and maybe, just maybe, Plan D is exactly what will help you be a better you. Be a better child. Be a better sheep. Be a better student and servant. Even if it means losing everything else. Even if it means feeling lost and identityless for a bit. Even if it means accepting you are the last thing you thought or planned you would be: a writer. And be, not as an identity by the world's definition, but as a calling by His definition. His calling. His identity. For us. All of us.
He is the Author of this story after all. He is the Dictionary. He is the only one who knows the Truth. Why can't we accept that? Do we honestly believe this world and our story is better than His?
God,
I am Yours.
I am who You say I am.
I am a writer if that's what you want for my story, and I want to accept that.
I want my true identities to drive what I do.
I want You to drive what I do.
I choose Plan D, or E, or F, or G--so long as it's what You know is best for me.
So long as what I do is because of who I am, which is who You made me to be.
* I've written about identity before. I'm going to write about it again. But this is what I thought in 2008: Calming The Confusion
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