July 31, 2014

WHITE FLAG BANDITS OF PEACE by John Sowers

I've been on the internet a lot lately. I've watched/heard people think they are commentating on a man and his new business adventure, but as far as I can tell, they are crucifying him, his name, his family and friends—everything he touches or breathes on.
 
It breaks my heart.
 
I honestly no longer care if he did what they think and say he did, because it no longer matters. For a project that is about making a "new" Bible, the Word of God, very few are acting and speaking like children of God. And they aren't the only ones.
 
It's been said before. It will be said again: Social media has given us too many ways to "talk" (mostly about other people). I honestly think we talked and complained and words helped us get into too much trouble before social media and the internet and now it's even worse. And that's coming from a writer who would have no voice if it weren't for the internet and blogs...
 
I once forgave someone for more or less destroying something precious of mine, and then hiding that fact from me for months, that cost $200. I didn't ask for a dime or penny back. I handed it to God, knew she never meant it, and moved on. It wasn't anywhere near my job to get angry, belittle her, crucify her name, or never speak to her again. I let it go.
 
Throwing your white flag up as a bandit for peace instead of seeking justice may be one of the hardest things you ever do, but it will also be one of the most freeing things you ever do. It may bring you closer to Jesus than you ever knew it could...at least it did for me.
 
Something changed when I forgave her and demanded nothing in return but for her to know she could still be my friend (just in case she thought I was pretending and the yelling and crucifying would happen when she least expected it)...I changed. My heart changed. Instead of hardening like most hearts would in reaction to something like that, it softened.
 
I don't know how I was able to do it, Ok, well, I just know God did all the heavy lifting for me. Truly a miracle.
 
John Sowers
This post, which you can click to read at the end of this paragraph, is from John Sowers, an extraordinary man. He wisely yet succinctly reflects and expands on what real peace of mind and heart looks like, or should look like. It creates a clear vision of peace. It reminds us what Jesus would do and what turning the other cheek actually looks like. Please give it a read: click here.
 
 
 
To quote him, "May we all be white flag bandits...even if it is hard or scandalous"...especially on the internet.
 
 
 

July 25, 2014

GOD & SATAN

 
 
 
 
* These words were first emailed to me by my sister in Christ and Stills Disease, L----. I just made it more like my style.
 
Thanks Sis!
 
 
I love these messages together!
 
I want to print it and when I feel one of the infinite tricky confusing emotions that Satan causes, I will refocus. I will be still and know that He is God. I will let Him take over and make me feel like His child again. Not Satan's play toy like the character in Screwtape Letters.
 
I will let *The Law of Undulation play out, let emotional isms lies fade, and let His Truth fill my heart. (*Screwtape Letters chapter 8)
 
May we all notice and never forget when the Devil is causing us to feel lies and may we remember how God can and wants to make us feel instead. And may we let God in and change our hearts.
 

July 6, 2014

GET DOWN by Audio Adrenaline

This song is one of the many things that first made me excited to finish in last place in the world's eyes. It is also what made me obsessed with the tattoo design on the left. I must have drawn a few hundred crosses until I came up with that one. One that represented finishing last.
 
The five lines that make up the cross represent the five body parts that were pierced when Christ was on the cross. If I was going to finish in last place I was going to remind myself of who finished in last first and why.
 
I think as Christians we so easily focus on how awesome and amazing our God is that we forget what it was like for Jesus. First born out of wedlock, then nothing more than a carpenter's son, and then just a child when he started preaching! Imagine being 12 and telling your adult pastors or priests they had it all wrong...
 
He lived in the margins and he died next to criminals. This was not a man or God who finished in first place--at least not in the world's eyes. In the world's eyes He was a loser and they gave Him a crown, of thorns...
 
When you start suffering you're immediately thrown into the gutters of society, into the margins. And it sucks. It's lonely and no one wants you. You're finishing last and they don't want to get dragged down with you. But Christ...well He's been there waiting for us. He suffered just like us. Not just so we won't feel alone, but so He could save us. So He can lift us up every time we get down.
 
So now, in last place in this rat race everyone else is wasting away trying to win, I smile. I smile knowing I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. With my Lord and Savior.
 
Is life hard here? Yes.
 
Do many things drag me down? Yes.
 
Are there burdens I can't carry on my own? Yes.
 
Do I get down? Yes.
 
But He is here to life me up. And so I'm happy to stay in last place. I'm happy wearing my crown. All the time? No. But often enough? Yes. Most definitely yes.
 
In my darkest moments, He shines through.
 
When I'm breaking and crying, He comforts me.
 
When I feel all alone, He carries me.
 
That's life. It will get you down. And He will lift you up.
 
We're underdogs baby.
 
 
 
 

GET DOWN
 

Lavishly our lives are wasted

Humbleness is left untasted

You can't live your life to please yourself, yeah

That's a tip from my mistakes

Exactly what it doesn't take

To win you've got to come in last place

To live your life you've got to lose it

And all the losers get a crown


[CHORUS:]

I get down and He lifts me up

I get down and He lifts me up

I get down and He lifts me up

I get down


All I need's another day

Where I can't seem to get away

From the many things that drag me down, yeah

I'm sure you've had a day like me

Where nothing seems to set you free

From the burdens you can't carry all alone

In your weakness He is stronger

In Your darkness He shines through

When you're crying He's your comfort

When your all alone, He's carrying you


[CHORUS]

This valley is so deep

I can barely see the sun

I cry out for mercy, Lord

You lift me up again

 

July 4, 2014

FIVE WORDS

 
Being disabled leaves me feeling unwanted, unneeded and like a constant burden. So I hide the broken. I hide the sentient. I hide. And I hide some more. Just waiting, begging, for someone, anyone, to come along and ask...
 
I can literally only think of one person who asked this question with absolute sincerity without fearing or dreading or assuming or awaiting the saddness associated with the answer. She was a complete stranger. I only happened to overhear her name. And every time I think of her I thank God endlessly for her. I pray for her. And I carry on her message.
 
We were both headed to the same doctors office, Pamela and I, and as we waited for the elevator she asked me, wholeheartedly, genuinely, with the deepest sincerity while she looked straight into my eyes and thus my soul with such loving concern that I actually took the time to answer her truthfully--
 
She asked me, "How are you today?"
 
I was going to say "fine" until I looked into her eyes that were genuinely asking for the real answer. I said, as I looked at how I was actually dressed and had some mascara on and was mostly pain free on a perfect spring day in the Pacific Northwest, my happy place, with a smile on my face, "You know what, I'm actually doing pretty well".
 
She smiled actually glad to hear that news, and then I asked her the same question with as much sincerity and concern in my voice if not more than hers while looking into her eyes and soul.
 
She replied with a smile on her face, and a sort of chuckle, "Not bad considering six months ago doctors told me I had six months to a year to live".
 
I was stunned. Couldn't get another word out no matter how desperately I begged God to help me say something, anything.
 
We rode in the elevator to our floor in mostly silence. Pamela tried chatting with the mom who had a kid's hand in each of her hands, but the mom looked concerned Pamela was so chatty. I even became mad the mom was reacting that way to her, but still nothing. Not a single word or sound.
 
They got off on the second floor. Then we did on the next. The only thing I could get my self to do was "run" up ahead and hold the door open for her with a gentle smile. I have prayed ever since that she understood that action was everything I wished I could have said but didn't, couldn't. I think she understood. Or at least when I replay this scene in my mind for the thousandth time, I have edited it to imagine that her smile back in thanks while I held the door said she understood why I couldn't find any words. Because there weren't any. She was the happiest and friendliest and most social terminally ill person, or as I've referred to her all these years, an angel. One of God's most amazing children.
 
I know that my disabilities and auto-immune diseases have made me more empathetic, but I think God did most of the work through that interaction with Pamela.
 
Ever since I sit on the edge of an emotional cliff hoping someone, anyone, will look me in the eyes the way she did and ask both me and my soul for the absolute truth: How are you?
 
Because of Pamela I also look for anyone else sitting on the cliff to see if I can talk them even a little ways away from it with a loving look into their eyes and soul as I ask them for the absolute truth: How are you?
 
It's amazing what the right question from the right person said in a sincere way can do for a human being. How it can save them.
 
It's a double edged sword, "How are you?", because most really don't want the truth.
 
That's why it's so surprising when A) someone even asks sincerely and B) when someone answers sincerely.
 
But when someone asks you that one question the way Pamela asked me, it means so much more than they will ever know. So much you just might be filled with so much of their love it gives you the bravery to actually answer with your deepest and possibly darkest truth.
 
 
And "How are you?" is just the beginning of what real love that does can look like. It is just the beginning to really loving someone and actually loving them with your words and heart and actions.
 
It is only one of many phrases I wake up wishing someone, anyone, would say to me today.
 
One of an absolute many...
 
 
 
 

FIVE WORDS

 
This article on To Write Love On Her Arms Blog easily could have been written by me. It almost even got to the point while I read it where I wondered, "Am I sure I didn't write this?" But she has a boyfriend, so I knew it wasn't me.
 
(Come on, that was funny!)
 
 
I implore you to read it, and then read it again. Write it on your heart's mind and make sure you never forget. You may never meet a Pamela, but you will have both the TWLOHA blog entry and this blog entry. Remember them! Apply them!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
FIVE WORDS
 
 
  • HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
  • I'M JUST LISTENING TO YOU.
  • CAN I PRAY WITH YOU?
  • I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
  • I HAVE FAITH IN YOU.
  • YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN
 
 
 
WHAT OTHER FIVE WORDS, OR ANY WORDS, DO YOU WAKE UP WISHING SOMEONE, ANYONE, WILL SINCERELY SAY TO YOU?
 
 

"DOCTORATE OF JESUS" DEGREE


"That's when I discovered a person could audit classes at nearly any school in the country for a fraction of the cost of enrolling. I'm not recommending this as a substitute for gaining a degree, but if you want to keep learning, it's an option. I've taken classes on the humanities, on literature, on writing, and in theology...I have another friend who created a "Doctorate of Jesus" degree in which he audited dozens of classes from several different universities in the Portland area. When he completes his self-created degree, he won't be able to get a job anywhere, but he will definitely know a lot about Jesus."

- Donald Miller, To Own A Dragon

TORN BETWEEN THE TWO

 
 
This is a post about depression.
 
I've knowingly suffered from depression for ten years. I also know depression will be a battle for the rest of my life.
 
I unknowingly, like many people out there, have been suffering from depression on and off since my mind was mature enough to question pain.
 
A lot of people think to be depressed is an embarrassing thing that you can fight on your own. They think it's a sign of weakness they should and can burry. But to me, depression is just a side effect of being sentient. It's normal in this broken world we live in. I would be surprised if you were never depressed. It's part of being human. It's part of being able to feel pain, both physical and emotional and then over analyze it. What's more human than that?
 
For the last ten years I've been trying to understand depression and being sentient.
 
For the last ten years I've also even been trying to perfect a poem about depression and death and that moment when you just don't want to fight anymore.
 
So life isn't about when you're depressed, because you will be, but how you live through it.
 
Unfortunately, there are those times, however, when you don't think you can live through it. Or at least when you don't want to.
 
There are those times when it all is just too much. When you are too tired to fight. And when you're depressed, life is a 24-7-365 battlefield. That kind of war will wear you down faster than you knew it could.
 
 
I remember being in the hospital every night staring at the clock waiting for my time to run out.
 
I remember Death himself sitting next to me holding my hand.
 
I remember thinking I would do whatever it took to fight through it.
 
I remember a shady peace rolling in like fog shortly just after.
 
I remember that shady peace feeling like a path towards heaven.
 
I remember thinking and feeling heaven was just around the corner.
 
I remember thinking how much better that sounded than fighting for the rest of my life.
 
I remember beginning to let go of this world.
 
 
I remember being tired.
 
I remember losing my courage.
 
I remember not wanting to bear this world's weight any longer.
 
I remember wanting to lie down in His pasture.
 
I remember it all.
 
Every night.
 
 
 
 
 
 
PASTURE BY DOWN LIKE SILVER
 
 
Oh brother, I'm tired
My courage gone away
My gun it won't fire
And my legs can't bear this weight
 
I want to run far
So far from this place
Where the grass grows tall
I can hide beneath the blades
 
Put me out to pasture
I don't want to live on this battlefield
Put me out to pasture
I don't want to live on this battlefield
 
Oh brother, I tried
I can't see it anymore
Now I forgot why
Oh, who I'm fighting for?
 
I want to lie down, my memory erased
Upon the soft ground
I can feel it's warm embrace
 
Put me out to pasture
I don't want to live on this battlefield no more
Put me out to pasture
I don't want to live on this battlefield
 
And then the sun upon your face
And the silent wind pushed across the plains
How long must I wait?
 
Put me out to pasture
I don't want to live on this battlefield no more
Put me out to pasture
I don't want to live on this battlefield
 
 
 
 
 
 
But when the sun rises and I've lived through another day, I choose to fight. Partly because that's what is tattooed on my left wrist. Partly because that's what I named my alarm on my phone. And partly because this isn't over yet. I'm not done yet. He isn't done with me yet.


"Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith..." -Philippians 1:18-26


 
Keep Fighting!
 
You belong on the battlefield!
 
This isn't over yet!
 
You aren't done yet!
 
We aren't done with you yet!
 
We need you!
 
He isn't done with you yet!
 
He needs you!
 
Keep fighting!