TORN BETWEEN THE TWO

 

 

This is a post about depression.

 

I've knowingly suffered from depression for ten years. I also know depression will be a battle for the rest of my life.

 

I unknowingly, like many people out there, have been suffering from depression on and off since my mind was mature enough to question pain.

 

A lot of people think to be depressed is an embarrassing thing that you can fight on your own. They think it's a sign of weakness they should and can burry. But to me, depression is just a side effect of being sentient. It's normal in this broken world we live in. I would be surprised if you were never depressed. It's part of being human. It's part of being able to feel pain, both physical and emotional and then over analyze it. What's more human than that?

 

For the last ten years I've been trying to understand depression and being sentient.

 

For the last ten years I've also even been trying to perfect a poem about depression and death and that moment when you just don't want to fight anymore.

 

So life isn't about when you're depressed, because you will be, but how you live through it.

 

Unfortunately, there are those times, however, when you don't think you can live through it. Or at least when you don't want to.

 

There are those times when it all is just too much. When you are too tired to fight. And when you're depressed, life is a 24-7-365 battlefield. That kind of war will wear you down faster than you knew it could.

 

 

I remember being in the hospital every night staring at the clock waiting for my time to run out.

 

I remember Death himself sitting next to me holding my hand.

 

I remember thinking I would do whatever it took to fight through it.

 

I remember a shady peace rolling in like fog shortly just after.

 

I remember that shady peace feeling like a path towards heaven.

 

I remember thinking and feeling heaven was just around the corner.

 

I remember thinking how much better that sounded than fighting for the rest of my life.

 

I remember beginning to let go of this world.

 

 

I remember being tired.

 

I remember losing my courage.

 

I remember not wanting to bear this world's weight any longer.

 

I remember wanting to lie down in His pasture.

 

I remember it all.

 

Every night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

PASTURE BY DOWN LIKE SILVER

 

 

Oh brother, I'm tired

My courage gone away

My gun it won't fire

And my legs can't bear this weight

 

I want to run far

So far from this place

Where the grass grows tall

I can hide beneath the blades

 

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield

 

Oh brother, I tried

I can't see it anymore

Now I forgot why

Oh, who I'm fighting for?

 

I want to lie down, my memory erased

Upon the soft ground

I can feel it's warm embrace

 

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield no more

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield

 

And then the sun upon your face

And the silent wind pushed across the plains

How long must I wait?

 

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield no more

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield

 

 

 

 

 

 

But when the sun rises and I've lived through another day, I choose to fight. Partly because that's what is tattooed on my left wrist. Partly because that's what I named my alarm on my phone. And partly because this isn't over yet. I'm not done yet. He isn't done with me yet.

"Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith..." -Philippians 1:18-26

 

Keep Fighting!

 

You belong on the battlefield!

 

This isn't over yet!

 

You aren't done yet!

 

We aren't done with you yet!

 

We need you!

 

He isn't done with you yet!

 

He needs you!

 

Keep fighting!