FIVE WORDS

 

Being disabled leaves me feeling unwanted, unneeded and like a constant burden. So I hide the broken. I hide the sentient. I hide. And I hide some more. Just waiting, begging, for someone, anyone, to come along and ask...

 

I can literally only think of one person who asked this question with absolute sincerity without fearing or dreading or assuming or awaiting the saddness associated with the answer. She was a complete stranger. I only happened to overhear her name. And every time I think of her I thank God endlessly for her. I pray for her. And I carry on her message.

 

We were both headed to the same doctors office, Pamela and I, and as we waited for the elevator she asked me, wholeheartedly, genuinely, with the deepest sincerity while she looked straight into my eyes and thus my soul with such loving concern that I actually took the time to answer her truthfully--

 

She asked me, "How are you today?"

 

I was going to say "fine" until I looked into her eyes that were genuinely asking for the real answer. I said, as I looked at how I was actually dressed and had some mascara on and was mostly pain free on a perfect spring day in the Pacific Northwest, my happy place, with a smile on my face, "You know what, I'm actually doing pretty well".

 

She smiled actually glad to hear that news, and then I asked her the same question with as much sincerity and concern in my voice if not more than hers while looking into her eyes and soul.

 

She replied with a smile on her face, and a sort of chuckle, "Not bad considering six months ago doctors told me I had six months to a year to live".

 

I was stunned. Couldn't get another word out no matter how desperately I begged God to help me say something, anything.

 

We rode in the elevator to our floor in mostly silence. Pamela tried chatting with the mom who had a kid's hand in each of her hands, but the mom looked concerned Pamela was so chatty. I even became mad the mom was reacting that way to her, but still nothing. Not a single word or sound.

 

They got off on the second floor. Then we did on the next. The only thing I could get my self to do was "run" up ahead and hold the door open for her with a gentle smile. I have prayed ever since that she understood that action was everything I wished I could have said but didn't, couldn't. I think she understood. Or at least when I replay this scene in my mind for the thousandth time, I have edited it to imagine that her smile back in thanks while I held the door said she understood why I couldn't find any words. Because there weren't any. She was the happiest and friendliest and most social terminally ill person, or as I've referred to her all these years, an angel. One of God's most amazing children.

 

I know that my disabilities and auto-immune diseases have made me more empathetic, but I think God did most of the work through that interaction with Pamela.

 

Ever since I sit on the edge of an emotional cliff hoping someone, anyone, will look me in the eyes the way she did and ask both me and my soul for the absolute truth: How are you?

 

Because of Pamela I also look for anyone else sitting on the cliff to see if I can talk them even a little ways away from it with a loving look into their eyes and soul as I ask them for the absolute truth: How are you?

 

It's amazing what the right question from the right person said in a sincere way can do for a human being. How it can save them.

 

It's a double edged sword, "How are you?", because most really don't want the truth.

 

That's why it's so surprising when A) someone even asks sincerely and B) when someone answers sincerely.

 

But when someone asks you that one question the way Pamela asked me, it means so much more than they will ever know. So much you just might be filled with so much of their love it gives you the bravery to actually answer with your deepest and possibly darkest truth.

 

 

And "How are you?" is just the beginning of what real love that does can look like. It is just the beginning to really loving someone and actually loving them with your words and heart and actions.

 

It is only one of many phrases I wake up wishing someone, anyone, would say to me today.

 

One of an absolute many...

 

 

 

 

FIVE WORDS

 

This article on To Write Love On Her Arms Blog easily could have been written by me. It almost even got to the point while I read it where I wondered, "Am I sure I didn't write this?" But she has a boyfriend, so I knew it wasn't me.

 

(Come on, that was funny!)

 

 

I implore you to read it, and then read it again. Write it on your heart's mind and make sure you never forget. You may never meet a Pamela, but you will have both the TWLOHA blog entry and this blog entry. Remember them! Apply them!

 

 

 

FIVE WORDS by Lexie Kraft

 

 

 

 

 

FIVE WORDS

 

 

• HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
• I'M JUST LISTENING TO YOU.
• CAN I PRAY WITH YOU?
• I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
• I HAVE FAITH IN YOU.
• YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN

 

 

 

— WHAT OTHER FIVE WORDS, OR ANY WORDS, DO YOU WAKE UP WISHING SOMEONE, ANYONE, WILL SINCERELY SAY TO YOU?

 

 

"DOCTORATE OF JESUS" DEGREE

"That's when I discovered a person could audit classes at nearly any school in the country for a fraction of the cost of enrolling. I'm not recommending this as a substitute for gaining a degree, but if you want to keep learning, it's an option. I've taken classes on the humanities, on literature, on writing, and in theology...I have another friend who created a "Doctorate of Jesus" degree in which he audited dozens of classes from several different universities in the Portland area. When he completes his self-created degree, he won't be able to get a job anywhere, but he will definitely know a lot about Jesus."

- Donald Miller, To Own A Dragon

TORN BETWEEN THE TWO

 

 

This is a post about depression.

 

I've knowingly suffered from depression for ten years. I also know depression will be a battle for the rest of my life.

 

I unknowingly, like many people out there, have been suffering from depression on and off since my mind was mature enough to question pain.

 

A lot of people think to be depressed is an embarrassing thing that you can fight on your own. They think it's a sign of weakness they should and can burry. But to me, depression is just a side effect of being sentient. It's normal in this broken world we live in. I would be surprised if you were never depressed. It's part of being human. It's part of being able to feel pain, both physical and emotional and then over analyze it. What's more human than that?

 

For the last ten years I've been trying to understand depression and being sentient.

 

For the last ten years I've also even been trying to perfect a poem about depression and death and that moment when you just don't want to fight anymore.

 

So life isn't about when you're depressed, because you will be, but how you live through it.

 

Unfortunately, there are those times, however, when you don't think you can live through it. Or at least when you don't want to.

 

There are those times when it all is just too much. When you are too tired to fight. And when you're depressed, life is a 24-7-365 battlefield. That kind of war will wear you down faster than you knew it could.

 

 

I remember being in the hospital every night staring at the clock waiting for my time to run out.

 

I remember Death himself sitting next to me holding my hand.

 

I remember thinking I would do whatever it took to fight through it.

 

I remember a shady peace rolling in like fog shortly just after.

 

I remember that shady peace feeling like a path towards heaven.

 

I remember thinking and feeling heaven was just around the corner.

 

I remember thinking how much better that sounded than fighting for the rest of my life.

 

I remember beginning to let go of this world.

 

 

I remember being tired.

 

I remember losing my courage.

 

I remember not wanting to bear this world's weight any longer.

 

I remember wanting to lie down in His pasture.

 

I remember it all.

 

Every night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

PASTURE BY DOWN LIKE SILVER

 

 

Oh brother, I'm tired

My courage gone away

My gun it won't fire

And my legs can't bear this weight

 

I want to run far

So far from this place

Where the grass grows tall

I can hide beneath the blades

 

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield

 

Oh brother, I tried

I can't see it anymore

Now I forgot why

Oh, who I'm fighting for?

 

I want to lie down, my memory erased

Upon the soft ground

I can feel it's warm embrace

 

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield no more

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield

 

And then the sun upon your face

And the silent wind pushed across the plains

How long must I wait?

 

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield no more

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield

 

 

 

 

 

 

But when the sun rises and I've lived through another day, I choose to fight. Partly because that's what is tattooed on my left wrist. Partly because that's what I named my alarm on my phone. And partly because this isn't over yet. I'm not done yet. He isn't done with me yet.

"Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith..." -Philippians 1:18-26

 

Keep Fighting!

 

You belong on the battlefield!

 

This isn't over yet!

 

You aren't done yet!

 

We aren't done with you yet!

 

We need you!

 

He isn't done with you yet!

 

He needs you!

 

Keep fighting!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHEN A HEART BREAKS by Ben Rector

When there are no words.

When nothing can make sense of what you're living or experiencing.

When silence is too loud and noise is too quiet.

When you've reached your limit of suffering and loneliness and solitude.

When living The Sentient Life feels too hard--

That's when the perfect song starts playing, on your phone or your iPod, on tv, on your playlist, on the radio, in your favorite movie, or on someone's ringtone near you in the store.

And that song, somehow, makes everything ok.

Maybe even great.

Even if just for 3 minutes and 14 seconds.

This is one of those songs. Along with all the hundreds of other ones I've posted over the years...

 

 

 

 

WHEN A HEART BREAKS

 

 

I woke up this morning

And I heard the news

I know the pain of a heartbreak

I don't have answers

And neither do you

I know the pain of a heartbreak

 

This isn't easy

This isn't clear

And you don't need Jesus

Til you're here

Then confusion and the doubts you had

Up and walk away

They walk away

When a heart breaks

 

I heard the doctor

But what did he say

I knew I was fine about this time yesterday

I don't need answers

I just need some peace

I just need someone who could help me get some sleep

Who could help me get some sleep

 

This isn't easy

This isn't clear

And you don't need Jesus

Til you're here

Then confusion and the doubts you had

Up and walk away

They walk away

When a heart breaks

When a heart breaks

When a heart breaks

Oh, when a heart breaks

 

This isn't easy

This isn't clear

And you don't need Jesus

Til you're here

Then confusion and the doubts you had

Up and walk away

They walk away

When a heart breaks

 

-Ben Rector

 

 

 

 

NO. MORE. NAUSEA.

 

 

 

I was diagnosed with my 1st auto-immune disease in 2004. I was a freshman in college. I've since been "given" three more.

I've been suffering from nausea from the auto-immune diseases, chemotherapy, and 30 something pills I take a day for almost ten years now and my only options for treatment/remedy have been pills, pills, and more pills. And saltine crackers and a bowl that embarrassingly but necessarily lives by my bedside every night.

I have been waiting far too long for an alternative that didn't requiring eating ginger or some other food or spice I don't like or drinking Sprite or 7up or whatever--I just didn't want a "homeopathic" remedy that required eating or drinking something, especially if it's gross to me, while seriously nauseated! What a stupid idea to try to eat or drink something while horribly nauseated so that you won't be nauseated anymore. Are you kidding me?!

You don't know how much I have been hoping and praying that someone would care enough to find an easier solution and thank God she's here! And thank God she got the education she needed to create a product that a previous health care provider like me can believe to work!

Thank God No Mo Nausea is finally here!

You just have no idea what a miracle and Godsend No Mo Nausea is for someone like me!

Please, please, please support this cause!

Please help support millions like me who suffer from nausea ALL the time.

Please help yourself if you are suffering from nausea: whether you're pregnant, have cancer and are on chemotherapy, or have some other auto-immune disorder or disease that requires you be on chemotherapy, are sick and on so many pills that cause nausea, or if you suffer from any of the other and many causes of nausea.

Please help a loved one who may suffer from any of the hundreds of causes of nausea! Buy a set for them to show you care!

Please just give whatever you can. Every single dollar and mention of this product will help.

Thank you!

I literally can't wait to get my bracelets!

-Click here to support No Mo Nausea or visit the website at www.nomonausea.com

 

THE BEAUTY OF LITERATURE

 

 

PAIN IS OUR FRIEND

 

 

DEEP LISTENING

 

"I LIVED" by ONEREPUBLIC

[Verse 1]

Hope when you take that jump

You don't fear the fall

Hope when the water rises

You build a wall

 

Hope when the crowd screams out

They're screaming your name

Hope if everybody runs

You choose to stay

 

Hope that you fall in love

And it hurts so bad

The only way you can know

Is give it all you have

 

And I hope that you don't suffer

But take the pain

Hope when the moment comes

You'll say...

 

[Chorus]

I, I did it all

I, I did it all

I owned every second

That this world could give

I saw so many places

The things that I did

Yeah, with every broken bone

I swear I lived

 

[Verse 2]

Hope that you spend your days

But they all add up

And when that sun goes down

Hope you raise your cup

 

I wish that I could witness

All your joy and all your pain

But until my moment comes

I'll say...

 

[Chorus]

I, I did it all

I, I did it all

I owned every second

That this world could give

I saw so many places

The things that I did

Yeah, with every broken bone

I swear I lived

 

[Bridge]

Whoa

Whoa

Whoa

Oh

Oh

Yeah, with every broken bone

I swear I lived

Yeah, with every broken bone

I swear I lived

 

[Chorus]

I, I did it all

I, I did it all

I owned every second

That this world could give

I saw so many places

The things that I did

Yeah, with every broken bone

I swear I lived

 

[Outro]

Whoa

Whoa

Whoa

Oh

Oh

 

 

 

 

MY ADVICE: LOSE CONTROL

Let God take over.

Stop whining and crying.

Stop trying to get your way.

His way is so much better.

May we all let go.

May we all lose control.

May we teach others to do the same.