MEDICINE by Daughters

Pick it up, pick it all up.

And start again.

You've got a second chance,

you could go home.

Escape it all.

It's just irrelevant.

 

It's just medicine.

It's just medicine.

You could still be,

what you want to,

What you said you were,

when I met you.

 

You've got a warm heart,

you've got a beautiful brain.

But it's disintegrating,

from all the medicine.

from all the medicine.

from all the medicine.

Medicine.

 

You could still be,

what you want to,

What you said you were,

when you met me.

 

You could still be,

what you want to.

What you said you were,

when I met you.

when you met me.

when I met you.

 

Ooooooooo...

Ooooooooo...

 

 

 

 

CHANGE IS POSSIBLE

 

 

 

 

 

10 YEARS...LATER with The Format (Interventions & Lullabies)

 

10 years.

It's taken me ten years to post these lyrics.

I have no idea why*.

Interventions and Lullabies is still one of my favorite albums ever.

I never tire of it.

It just captures emotions so profoundly and clearly.

I mean, this album, along with the Garden State soundtrack, they were our freshman year.

2004.

The year everything changed.

Especially me...

My bad.

 

 

 

 

THE FIRST SINGLE

 

 

I can't stand to think about a heart so big it hurts like hell
Oh my god I gave my best but for three whole years to end like this
Well do you want to fall apart? I can't stop if you can't start
Do you want to fall apart? I could if you can try to fix what I've undone
Cause I hate what I've become

[Chorus]
You know me, oh you think you do you just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be, something I can't define
So let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,
yeah something I've just got to get myself over me

I could stand to do without, all the people I have left behind
What's the point of going around when it's a straight line baby, a straight, straight line
So let's make a list of who we need and it's not much if anything
Let's make a list of who we need and we'll throw it away
'Cause we don't need anyone, no we don't need anyone

[Chorus]

And I hate what I've become.

You know the night life is just not for me
'Cause all you really need are a few good friends
I don't want to go out and be on my own,
You know they started something I can't stand
You leave for the city,
Well count me out
'Cause all this time is wasted on everything I've done

[Chorus x2]

Yeah

Over me

Yeah

Over me

 

[ FORMAT : the way in which something is arranged or set out ]

 

 

 

10 YEARS

 

Ten years with Still's Disease.

I'm doing both better and worse than I thought I would.

I remember ten years ago wondering what it would be like now...not this, I can tell you that much.

It wasn't the smartest idea to lower prednisone during this anniversary. I was so focused on lowering during the summer, which is hell enough as it is, but my anniversary?! This anniversary?!

Worst. Idea. Ever.

On one hand, thank God I've lasted this long and fought this long and, yeah, kinda done this "well". On the other hand, which hurts like hell, this is "well"? Bummer...

Even though I knew I was about to lose all kinds of things like my dream job, an education, health, and independence, there was still soooooo much I had planned to do...I've done basically none of it. And that hurts the most.

I wish I had known how bad it would get. I wish I had know how little I'd have energy to do. I mean I have time. I have nothing but time. But what is time if you physically can't do a stupid thing with it or during it?! It's a curse. A curse that mocks you every day.

You wake up like healthy people. You get dressed like healthy people, kind of. You are a living, breathing thing like healthy people, again, kind of. You pass through time or time passes through you like every one else, and yet, you can't do anything with it. Not a stupid thing.

All these hours, to do nothing but think, and think and think and think....and plan all the things you may never get to do.

And the worse your life gets, the more everything hurts like hell--in a way it never did before.

 

I am so aware. So horribly aware. Sentient, if you will. And it sucks. I now not only notice and feel my pain, but I've been educated toward empathy enough that I feel everyone else's. My heart can be so big it hurts like hell.

 

It doesn't work that way when you're healthy. Not at all. You think it does, but it doesn't. Trust me. You feel you. You notice you. There is really only you.

 

But not when you're sick. I know that doesn't sound right. Typing it doesn't even really sound right, and yet I know it's true. Just another one of God's and life's paradoxes. You know, the ones you have to learn experientially. It's all just so...so....

 

I've been beyond emotional lately. Ten years with an auto immune diseases at a young age while lowering prednisone will do that to you.

 

I've been stuck in the negatives, the black, the yuck, the dark. All I can feel is the bad. I try to focus my mind on the good, the white, the light, but it's like my heart couldn't care less.

 

It is feeling what it wants to feel, and it wants to wallow in the loss.

 

I keep begging my mind to find its way to my heart, but it's like it refuses. Like I'm supposed to be stuck here for a while, to get all the crap feelings out, and only then will logic and truth find its way down (which I've written about on here and hate that it's me having to live it. It's so much easier to write about it. But if you were wondering, yes I live what I write and it's annoying to me too). It's also what Anne Lamott calls an ascent of sorts...

 

I know, in my head, and somewhere deep in my heart, that I am better off with Still's Disease. I know being diagnosed 10 years ago was the best thing God could have done for me. Still is. But getting my sticky, selfish, whiny emotions to agree!? Nope. Not during these two awfully emotional months.

 

I had thought my dark months, October and November, were gone. I thought I beat them last year when I actually celebrated, yes celebrated, my 9 years anniversary...but no. Wishful thinking.

 

These months will probably always have a hold on me, but....

 

Well, at the very least, at least they make me feel all this junk which I normally burry and ignore and distract myself from. I suppose they are my purging months. I get two months to get all the gunk, that I've been hiding from for the past 10 months, out!

 

Yes, logic, keep coming....

 

But I feel bad--

 

Whoops!

 

I feel bad because there are a number of people that don't know these are my dark months...

 

If I could drive away and disappear and live in a forest in a tent near a mountain with no one else but God to go through this with, I would....

 

Instead it's sleepless nights in my room alone, feeling far from God like one does in the dark nights of the soul, trying to hide from the emotions, and everyone and everything, trying to fill it with logic and truth, trying not to let these walls close in, trying not to let this room feel like a prison...trying not to ignore the ones I love because seriously my heart hurts like hell...

 

 

[ INTERVENTION : action taken to improve a situation ]

 

And the "hate what I've become" line...well, I couldn't be more afraid of the person I was becoming before God gave me Still's Disease. Seriously. I hate looking back at the path I was on, at how selfish I was...God stepped in JUST in time. He saved me from myself. And taught me how to at least try to get "over me".

 

I can't remember who said it first, but this phrase has been in my head trying to find its way into my actions, not well, but trying nonetheless: sometimes being Chrsitian is as simple and complicated as choosing God over self.

 

And I have, and still am "waiting all this time to be something I can't define".

 

And on this anniversary, like all the others, but this one especially, I feel like "stomping my feet and clapping my hands and causing a scene" for far too many reasons.

 

I want to make a scene because this sucks.

 

I want to make a scene because it sucks yet it's the best thing for me.

 

I want to make a scene because I've wasted so much time.

 

I want to make a scene because I still hate how far from God I am, even after 10 years with Still's Disease.

 

I want to make a scene because I'm scared of my future.

 

I want to make a scene because even though I hate what I was becoming I still miss my past and the path I was on.

 

I want to make a scene because often my heart is finally big and soft enough to hurt like hell, but I wouldn't change a thing.

 

I want to make a scene because everyone always seems to be doing so much better than me.

 

I want to make a scene because I feel everyone's lives went on without me.

 

I want to make a scene because I feel stuck.

 

I want to make a scene because I still need Still's Disease to make me more Christlike.

 

I want to make a scene because I don't want you to need something like Still's Disease to "wake you up" from your selfishness like I did/do.

 

I want to make a scene simply because I want someone, anyone, to finally notice me and my plight and BE HERE for me.

 

I want to make a scene because 10 years later is no where near what I thought it would be.

 

I want to make a scene because I'm still selfish enough to wish 10 years later would be better than this.

 

I want to make a scene because I can't be content with ALL that God has given me at ALL times...

 

 

 

*Now I know why it's taken me ten years to post these lyrics...amazing...

 

 

 

 

 

[ LULLABY : a quiet, gentle song sung to send a child to sleep ]

 

 

 

 

"Happy" 10 Year Anniversary....

 

 

God please keep helping me.

 

Please keep formatting my life Your way.

 

Please keep being my lullaby.

 

 

Especially through the next 10 years.

 

 

 

 

 

BTW, The Format (Interventions and Lullabies) is NOT a Christian album or band and is not recommended for all. Listen at your discretion.

 

I ALSO WANT

 

 

VADE MECUM

 

"I want the scissors to be sharp
and the table to be perfectly level
when you cut me out of my life
and paste me in that book you always carry."

-Billy Collins

 

 

 

 

 

 

I also want to fall in love...

 

WHITE FLAG BANDITS OF PEACE by John Sowers

I've been on the internet a lot lately. I've watched/heard people think they are commentating on a man and his new business adventure, but as far as I can tell, they are crucifying him, his name, his family and friends—everything he touches or breathes on.

 

It breaks my heart.

 

I honestly no longer care if he did what they think and say he did, because it no longer matters. For a project that is about making a "new" Bible, the Word of God, very few are acting and speaking like children of God. And they aren't the only ones.

 

It's been said before. It will be said again: Social media has given us too many ways to "talk" (mostly about other people). I honestly think we talked and complained and words helped us get into too much trouble before social media and the internet and now it's even worse. And that's coming from a writer who would have no voice if it weren't for the internet and blogs...

 

I once forgave someone for more or less destroying something precious of mine, and then hiding that fact from me for months, that cost $200. I didn't ask for a dime or penny back. I handed it to God, knew she never meant it, and moved on. It wasn't anywhere near my job to get angry, belittle her, crucify her name, or never speak to her again. I let it go.

 

Throwing your white flag up as a bandit for peace instead of seeking justice may be one of the hardest things you ever do, but it will also be one of the most freeing things you ever do. It may bring you closer to Jesus than you ever knew it could...at least it did for me.

 

Something changed when I forgave her and demanded nothing in return but for her to know she could still be my friend (just in case she thought I was pretending and the yelling and crucifying would happen when she least expected it)...I changed. My heart changed. Instead of hardening like most hearts would in reaction to something like that, it softened.

 

I don't know how I was able to do it, Ok, well, I just know God did all the heavy lifting for me. Truly a miracle.

 

John Sowers

This post, which you can click to read at the end of this paragraph, is from John Sowers, an extraordinary man. He wisely yet succinctly reflects and expands on what real peace of mind and heart looks like, or should look like. It creates a clear vision of peace. It reminds us what Jesus would do and what turning the other cheek actually looks like. Please give it a read: click here.

 

 

 

To quote him, "May we all be white flag bandits...even if it is hard or scandalous"...especially on the internet.

 

 

 

GOD & SATAN

 

 

 

 

* These words were first emailed to me by my sister in Christ and Stills Disease, L----. I just made it more like my style.

 

Thanks Sis!

 

 

I love these messages together!

 

I want to print it and when I feel one of the infinite tricky confusing emotions that Satan causes, I will refocus. I will be still and know that He is God. I will let Him take over and make me feel like His child again. Not Satan's play toy like the character in Screwtape Letters.

 

I will let *The Law of Undulation play out, let emotional isms lies fade, and let His Truth fill my heart. (*Screwtape Letters chapter 8)

 

May we all notice and never forget when the Devil is causing us to feel lies and may we remember how God can and wants to make us feel instead. And may we let God in and change our hearts.

 

GET DOWN by Audio Adrenaline

This song is one of the many things that first made me excited to finish in last place in the world's eyes. It is also what made me obsessed with the tattoo design on the left. I must have drawn a few hundred crosses until I came up with that one. One that represented finishing last.

 

The five lines that make up the cross represent the five body parts that were pierced when Christ was on the cross. If I was going to finish in last place I was going to remind myself of who finished in last first and why.

 

I think as Christians we so easily focus on how awesome and amazing our God is that we forget what it was like for Jesus. First born out of wedlock, then nothing more than a carpenter's son, and then just a child when he started preaching! Imagine being 12 and telling your adult pastors or priests they had it all wrong...

 

He lived in the margins and he died next to criminals. This was not a man or God who finished in first place--at least not in the world's eyes. In the world's eyes He was a loser and they gave Him a crown, of thorns...

 

When you start suffering you're immediately thrown into the gutters of society, into the margins. And it sucks. It's lonely and no one wants you. You're finishing last and they don't want to get dragged down with you. But Christ...well He's been there waiting for us. He suffered just like us. Not just so we won't feel alone, but so He could save us. So He can lift us up every time we get down.

 

So now, in last place in this rat race everyone else is wasting away trying to win, I smile. I smile knowing I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. With my Lord and Savior.

 

Is life hard here? Yes.

 

Do many things drag me down? Yes.

 

Are there burdens I can't carry on my own? Yes.

 

Do I get down? Yes.

 

But He is here to life me up. And so I'm happy to stay in last place. I'm happy wearing my crown. All the time? No. But often enough? Yes. Most definitely yes.

 

In my darkest moments, He shines through.

 

When I'm breaking and crying, He comforts me.

 

When I feel all alone, He carries me.

 

That's life. It will get you down. And He will lift you up.

 

We're underdogs baby.

 

 

 

 

GET DOWN

 

Lavishly our lives are wasted

Humbleness is left untasted

You can't live your life to please yourself, yeah

That's a tip from my mistakes

Exactly what it doesn't take

To win you've got to come in last place

To live your life you've got to lose it

And all the losers get a crown

[CHORUS:]

I get down and He lifts me up

I get down and He lifts me up

I get down and He lifts me up

I get down

All I need's another day

Where I can't seem to get away

From the many things that drag me down, yeah

I'm sure you've had a day like me

Where nothing seems to set you free

From the burdens you can't carry all alone

In your weakness He is stronger

In Your darkness He shines through

When you're crying He's your comfort

When your all alone, He's carrying you

[CHORUS]

This valley is so deep

I can barely see the sun

I cry out for mercy, Lord

You lift me up again

 

FIVE WORDS

 

Being disabled leaves me feeling unwanted, unneeded and like a constant burden. So I hide the broken. I hide the sentient. I hide. And I hide some more. Just waiting, begging, for someone, anyone, to come along and ask...

 

I can literally only think of one person who asked this question with absolute sincerity without fearing or dreading or assuming or awaiting the saddness associated with the answer. She was a complete stranger. I only happened to overhear her name. And every time I think of her I thank God endlessly for her. I pray for her. And I carry on her message.

 

We were both headed to the same doctors office, Pamela and I, and as we waited for the elevator she asked me, wholeheartedly, genuinely, with the deepest sincerity while she looked straight into my eyes and thus my soul with such loving concern that I actually took the time to answer her truthfully--

 

She asked me, "How are you today?"

 

I was going to say "fine" until I looked into her eyes that were genuinely asking for the real answer. I said, as I looked at how I was actually dressed and had some mascara on and was mostly pain free on a perfect spring day in the Pacific Northwest, my happy place, with a smile on my face, "You know what, I'm actually doing pretty well".

 

She smiled actually glad to hear that news, and then I asked her the same question with as much sincerity and concern in my voice if not more than hers while looking into her eyes and soul.

 

She replied with a smile on her face, and a sort of chuckle, "Not bad considering six months ago doctors told me I had six months to a year to live".

 

I was stunned. Couldn't get another word out no matter how desperately I begged God to help me say something, anything.

 

We rode in the elevator to our floor in mostly silence. Pamela tried chatting with the mom who had a kid's hand in each of her hands, but the mom looked concerned Pamela was so chatty. I even became mad the mom was reacting that way to her, but still nothing. Not a single word or sound.

 

They got off on the second floor. Then we did on the next. The only thing I could get my self to do was "run" up ahead and hold the door open for her with a gentle smile. I have prayed ever since that she understood that action was everything I wished I could have said but didn't, couldn't. I think she understood. Or at least when I replay this scene in my mind for the thousandth time, I have edited it to imagine that her smile back in thanks while I held the door said she understood why I couldn't find any words. Because there weren't any. She was the happiest and friendliest and most social terminally ill person, or as I've referred to her all these years, an angel. One of God's most amazing children.

 

I know that my disabilities and auto-immune diseases have made me more empathetic, but I think God did most of the work through that interaction with Pamela.

 

Ever since I sit on the edge of an emotional cliff hoping someone, anyone, will look me in the eyes the way she did and ask both me and my soul for the absolute truth: How are you?

 

Because of Pamela I also look for anyone else sitting on the cliff to see if I can talk them even a little ways away from it with a loving look into their eyes and soul as I ask them for the absolute truth: How are you?

 

It's amazing what the right question from the right person said in a sincere way can do for a human being. How it can save them.

 

It's a double edged sword, "How are you?", because most really don't want the truth.

 

That's why it's so surprising when A) someone even asks sincerely and B) when someone answers sincerely.

 

But when someone asks you that one question the way Pamela asked me, it means so much more than they will ever know. So much you just might be filled with so much of their love it gives you the bravery to actually answer with your deepest and possibly darkest truth.

 

 

And "How are you?" is just the beginning of what real love that does can look like. It is just the beginning to really loving someone and actually loving them with your words and heart and actions.

 

It is only one of many phrases I wake up wishing someone, anyone, would say to me today.

 

One of an absolute many...

 

 

 

 

FIVE WORDS

 

This article on To Write Love On Her Arms Blog easily could have been written by me. It almost even got to the point while I read it where I wondered, "Am I sure I didn't write this?" But she has a boyfriend, so I knew it wasn't me.

 

(Come on, that was funny!)

 

 

I implore you to read it, and then read it again. Write it on your heart's mind and make sure you never forget. You may never meet a Pamela, but you will have both the TWLOHA blog entry and this blog entry. Remember them! Apply them!

 

 

 

FIVE WORDS by Lexie Kraft

 

 

 

 

 

FIVE WORDS

 

 

• HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
• I'M JUST LISTENING TO YOU.
• CAN I PRAY WITH YOU?
• I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
• I HAVE FAITH IN YOU.
• YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN

 

 

 

— WHAT OTHER FIVE WORDS, OR ANY WORDS, DO YOU WAKE UP WISHING SOMEONE, ANYONE, WILL SINCERELY SAY TO YOU?

 

 

"DOCTORATE OF JESUS" DEGREE

"That's when I discovered a person could audit classes at nearly any school in the country for a fraction of the cost of enrolling. I'm not recommending this as a substitute for gaining a degree, but if you want to keep learning, it's an option. I've taken classes on the humanities, on literature, on writing, and in theology...I have another friend who created a "Doctorate of Jesus" degree in which he audited dozens of classes from several different universities in the Portland area. When he completes his self-created degree, he won't be able to get a job anywhere, but he will definitely know a lot about Jesus."

- Donald Miller, To Own A Dragon

TORN BETWEEN THE TWO

 

 

This is a post about depression.

 

I've knowingly suffered from depression for ten years. I also know depression will be a battle for the rest of my life.

 

I unknowingly, like many people out there, have been suffering from depression on and off since my mind was mature enough to question pain.

 

A lot of people think to be depressed is an embarrassing thing that you can fight on your own. They think it's a sign of weakness they should and can burry. But to me, depression is just a side effect of being sentient. It's normal in this broken world we live in. I would be surprised if you were never depressed. It's part of being human. It's part of being able to feel pain, both physical and emotional and then over analyze it. What's more human than that?

 

For the last ten years I've been trying to understand depression and being sentient.

 

For the last ten years I've also even been trying to perfect a poem about depression and death and that moment when you just don't want to fight anymore.

 

So life isn't about when you're depressed, because you will be, but how you live through it.

 

Unfortunately, there are those times, however, when you don't think you can live through it. Or at least when you don't want to.

 

There are those times when it all is just too much. When you are too tired to fight. And when you're depressed, life is a 24-7-365 battlefield. That kind of war will wear you down faster than you knew it could.

 

 

I remember being in the hospital every night staring at the clock waiting for my time to run out.

 

I remember Death himself sitting next to me holding my hand.

 

I remember thinking I would do whatever it took to fight through it.

 

I remember a shady peace rolling in like fog shortly just after.

 

I remember that shady peace feeling like a path towards heaven.

 

I remember thinking and feeling heaven was just around the corner.

 

I remember thinking how much better that sounded than fighting for the rest of my life.

 

I remember beginning to let go of this world.

 

 

I remember being tired.

 

I remember losing my courage.

 

I remember not wanting to bear this world's weight any longer.

 

I remember wanting to lie down in His pasture.

 

I remember it all.

 

Every night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

PASTURE BY DOWN LIKE SILVER

 

 

Oh brother, I'm tired

My courage gone away

My gun it won't fire

And my legs can't bear this weight

 

I want to run far

So far from this place

Where the grass grows tall

I can hide beneath the blades

 

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield

 

Oh brother, I tried

I can't see it anymore

Now I forgot why

Oh, who I'm fighting for?

 

I want to lie down, my memory erased

Upon the soft ground

I can feel it's warm embrace

 

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield no more

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield

 

And then the sun upon your face

And the silent wind pushed across the plains

How long must I wait?

 

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield no more

Put me out to pasture

I don't want to live on this battlefield

 

 

 

 

 

 

But when the sun rises and I've lived through another day, I choose to fight. Partly because that's what is tattooed on my left wrist. Partly because that's what I named my alarm on my phone. And partly because this isn't over yet. I'm not done yet. He isn't done with me yet.

"Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith..." -Philippians 1:18-26

 

Keep Fighting!

 

You belong on the battlefield!

 

This isn't over yet!

 

You aren't done yet!

 

We aren't done with you yet!

 

We need you!

 

He isn't done with you yet!

 

He needs you!

 

Keep fighting!