First, Second, And Third Drafts: Why Writing And Life Are Coterminous

“…shitty first drafts. All good writers write them. This is how they end up with good second drafts and terrific third drafts…” -Anne Lamott, Bird By Bird

I truly and honestly feel like the first eighteen years of my life were my “shitty first draft.”

“The first draft is the child’s draft, where you let it all pour out and then let it romp all over the place, knowing that no one is going to see it and that you can shape it later. You just let this childlike part of you channel whatever voices and visions come through onto the page.” –Anne Lamott, Bird By Bird

The problem is that everyone did see my first draft—although most people who knew me during my first eighteen years of my life would be shocked to think I believe those years were my child’s draft, but they saw how I seemed, not who I was. But I know who I was and so does God, with the perspective of who I am and who He/I want me to be.

I am tortured by my first draft every day of my life. Most days it just sucks. But it also makes me eternally grateful for the opportunity to keep writing my story with God’s help and guidance. Not everyone gets a second chance. So though it hurts and haunts me, it is also a reminder of how blessed I am.

But, honestly, how one could call childhood and adolescence anything but “a shitty first draft” is lost on me: they are delusional and in denial. Just admit it: we didn’t know anything about anything, and yet we thought we knew everything about everything. That always leads to trouble. To mistakes. To “a shitty first draft.” Just thank God everyday if you have past 18 and are still writing.

“Almost all good writing begins with terrible first efforts. You need to start somewhere. Start by getting something—anything—down on paper. A friend of mine says that the first draft is the down draft—you just get it down. The second draft is the up draft—you fix it up.You try to say what you have to say more accurately. And the third draft is the dental draft, where you check every tooth, to see if it’s loose or cramped or decayed, or even, God help us, healthy.” –Anne Lamott, Bird By Bird

I have to say that once I was diagnosed with Stills Disease I was thrust into my second draft. And I am still here, and that is encouraging because I have past the first draft, but to be completely honest, one of my biggest fears, if not the biggest fear, is that I will die before I get to write my third draft—of my life, my story, of me. I do not want anyone, especially God, to read either the first or second drafts of my life. I want nothing more than for everyone to read—to know, me, as the third draft. Dear Lord, please let me write a third draft.