God, I know how much You love me. I know exactly what Your plans are for me. I didn't deserve or need to live my dream job for five and a half weeks; You did not have to do that, but You did--because You love me. But...
I will never stop loving Athletic Training. I will never stop saying "we" when talking about Athletic Trainers...and that hurts so much.
I miss it every day. I can feel it in my veins...I feel it in me begging to be used. Just the thought of it brings me back to life.
Because whatever this is I'm doing, it doesn't feel like living very often. It feels more like surviving...
It's not Your fault. I know that. I know You were saving me from myself. Athletic Training, well, it probably would have consumed me. I wouldn't have been able to find the right balance. And, well, it might have literally killed me considering how many steroids it took to get me through the 15 hour days. But, knowing this rarely makes me feel better.
God, why are we "driven by (our) sentiments, (our) logic trailing behind our emotions as a pariah" (Donald Miller, Searching For God Knows What)?
Why can't my mind tell my heart what is real, what to feel? Why are our emotions a double-edged sword? I don't want to be mad at You for doing the best thing You could have done for me. I don't want to be so stuck on what I loved that I can't discover or realize what I love. I don't want to cry at the mere thought of how much I love and miss Athletic Training. I don't want my emotions to cloud Your Truth, to pull me from You. I only want my emotions to bring us closer. So why Lord? Why am I crying? Why do I love tape, and pre-wrap, and bandaids? Why do I miss treating blisters? Why do I miss making ice bags? Why do I miss...all of it? Why did You make me to love these things so much? Why? What is the purpose of loving and missing Athletic Training so much it makes me cry?
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