THE SENTIENT LIFE: August 2012

August 30, 2012

A W Tozer (@TozerAW)

8/26/12 5:42 PM

"Jesus Christ did not rise from the dead so that we could usurp our doctrinal superiority over another brother." AW Tozer

Posted with Blogsy

Once upon a time I felt this way. I hate to admit that every once in a while I still do. All I know, is that He is listening.

This is from Everwood, the tv show, season one, episode 8: Till Death Do Us Part.

SCENE #30: INT. EVERWOOD'S HOPE CHURCH. NIGHT.

Andy enters the church tentatively. Wet from the rain. He looks around, sees that it's empty, completely angry. He finds a pew in the middle, enters.

Andy kneels awkwardly, uncertain: this is what you do, right?

He clasps his hands together, closes his eyes and bows his head. Nothing comes. He waits for inspiration. It doesn't arrive. He opens his eyes, looks up,

DOCTOR BROWN

One year ago today. That was the last time I knew life was worth living. All my dreams died with Julia. I wake up every day and I wish I were still asleep. The thing is, my heart's still pumping, I'm still breathing, I still move in the world, but I've lost my joy.

(beat)

We don't talk a lot. I don't complain to you, I don't ask for favors, I don't whine about fairness. And I've never believed you owed me anything. But I'm telling you right now, I've got nothing left.

(beat)

I used to have a gift. Now everything I touch -- everyone I touch -- is just as broken as I am.

(beat)

I've got two kids. Who need a mother and a father. These days I'm not much good to anyone, let alone them.

(beat)

I thought I knew what you needed from me. I thought I knew what my life was about...I don't know anything...You got to help me.

(beat)

(crying) Please, please, give me my joy back. (crying)

Posted with Blogsy

STILL FIGHTING

December. That's when I first was able to admit I had lost all hope. I thought I had lost my fight along with it. I mean, when you lose hope, you stop fighting, right?

It's the end of August now, and I just realized I never lost a thing. That's just what I was supposed to believe.

If it were true, if I had lost my fight, I wouldn't be here now. Had I stopped fighting completely I would have had to give up completely, and I surely haven't. I'm still here, aren't I?

The real problem is that all I do is fight. From the moment I decide to stay awake (instead of rolling over and falling back asleep until 5:00 pm) until my mind and body finally give up at the same time and I finally fall asleep around 6:00 am, all I do is fight.

Staying awake is a fight.

Getting out of bed is a fight.

Brushing my teeth and washing my face is a fight.

Getting dressed is a fight.

Taking my meds is a fight.

Staying awake is a fight.

Having to change body positions every 10 minutes because otherwise my body cramps and breaks is a fight.

Often sitting up is a fight.

Standing is a fight.

Having to ask for help with almost everything I do is a fight.

Not boring myself to death is a fight.

Never leaving the house or going outside is a fight.

Going to doctors appointments is a fight.

Not having energy for the ones I love is a fight.

Crying myself to sleep at night is a fight.

Endlessly thinking about all that I am missing out on is a fight.

Worrying about my future is a fight.

Rubbing my sore hands and arms and neck all day is a fight.

Not putting my fist through a wall is a fight.

My life is nothing but fight.

All I do is fight.

I have completely forgotten what it is like to live, and everyone takes it for granted every moment of every day.

I don't live my life. I am not living. I am fighting. And I do not know how much I have left in me most days. But tonight? Tonight I realized something.

If I were hopeless, I wouldn't be fighting. Since all I do is fight, I can't be hopeless.

I never was, not completely. Yeah, my hopes and dreams are a million times smaller and more realistic than the average, but simply staying awake is proof I want to be paying attention so that I know when my life changes. If I didn't think anything was going to get better, why am I still fighting?

I never lost anything. I just got tired. Tired of fighting. And for months I've been tricked into thinking I am weak, I am hopeless, I am nothing.

I am so tired of being easily tricked into believing all these lies. It drives me nuts. Not much enrages me more.

Lies. All lies.

I am strong.

I am a fighter.

Every day I wake up I am strong.

Every day I get up I am strong.

Every day I brush my teeth and wash my face I am strong.

Every day I stay awake to see what this day will hold I am strong, etc, etc.

Lost my fight? It's almost laughable I believed that this long, if it weren't so sad. Hopeless? If you got out of bed today, you still have hope. Otherwise you would still be there.

Getting up is strength. Getting dressed is strength. Staying awake is strength. Don't ever believe anything less. And don't you even dare let anyone tell you anything less.

Living is easy. Fighting is hard. As long as you keep getting up and keep moving, even if slowly, you are strong. If you do it again tomorrow, what you did today, you are proving you are even stronger tomorrow. And the next day, and the day after that. Every day you get up and try, you are increasing your strength, not losing it.

I am strong.

We are strong.

Keep fighting.

And as long as you fought today, there is still enough hope inside of you for something beautiful to be born from it. Just do tomorrow what you did today, and it will be enough to get you through. And maybe, just maybe, that hope can grow once you finally see how strong you really are when you stop believing the lies. And then, God willing, this thing we do everyday will feel less like fighting and more like living, even if just a little bit. Till then, if you are reading this, you are strong, and you are full of hope. And that is the Truth.

Posted with Blogsy

August 28, 2012

AMENDS

Amends

You're gonna want to find a comfortable spot and have lots of time to read this one friends. Blogger barely let me post this long one. Apparently blogging isn't supposed to take up this much space. Oh well. I had a lot to say.

As a writer, most of writing is staring into the corner of a room while focusing so acutely on one idea that it explodes into infinite possibilities. Today I told my therapist I am trying to make amends. The look on her face tells me we will be talking about that in our next session. And about a couple hours ago I was staring at nothing, and yet everything, focussing on the word "amends", and I was wondering why it took me this long to tell her why I think I am here, alive. And it exploded into this post.

I often wonder if life is nothing more than making amends for yesterday. I don't know about you, but it definitely describes my life. Something I am reminded of every day. That I am broken. That I, at the heart of the beast of a thing inside of me, am a monster sometimes. If not often...

My past haunts me every day. And it's killing me. It's both wondrous and unbearable.

AMENDS

(In bits and parts. I eliminated the unecessary sub stories)

Episode 44 of Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Written (of course) by Joss Whedon (Thank God his brilliance is finally cool)

ANGEL

I've been seeing... I've had dreams, lately, about... the past. It's like I'm living it again, it's so vivid. I need to...

(he faces Giles)

I need to know why I'm here.

GILES

Here? Back on Earth?

ANGEL

I should be in a demon dimension suffering an eternity of torture.

GILES

I don't feel particularly inclined to argue with that.

ANGEL

But I'm not. I was freed. And I don't understand why.

Giles lets the crossbow down as he replies.

GILES

Well, I haven't any easy answers; I've looked into the matter, but so far I haven't come across any being with the power to pull someone out of Hell.

ANGEL

Where have you looked? We could compare notes --

GILES

Knowing why you're back might give you some peace of mind?

ANGEL

It might.

GILES

And is that something you think you ought to have?

______________________________________________________________________

JENNY

Trouble sleeping?

ANGEL

You're not here.

JENNY

I'm always here.

ANGEL

Leave me alone...

JENNY

I can't. You won't let me.

He collapses onto the couch. Jenny approaches him, her movements as smooth as her voice is soft.

JENNY

I'm a part of you now. You've taken me in.

ANGEL

What do you want?

JENNY

I want to die in bed, surrounded by fat grandchildren, but I guess that's off the menu.

She smiles, without rancor. Her smile disappears when he says:

ANGEL

I'm sorry...

JENNY

You're sorry? For what? For me? Don't bother. I'm dead; I'm over it. If you want to feel sorry for someone, feel sorry for yourself. Or, well, I think you've got that covered.

ANGEL

I am sorry. For what I've done --What else can I say to you?

JENNY

I don't want to make you feel bad.

She runs her hand along his face. As she does so, she MORPHS into Daniel.

DANIEL

I just want to show you who you are.

______________________________________________________________________

JENNY

You were born to hurt her. Have you learned nothing? As long as you're alive --

ANGEL

Then I'll die.

There is calm resolve in the sentence that gives the Jenny-thing pause.

JENNY

You haven't the strength to kill yourself.

ANGEL

I don't need strength. I just need the sun to rise.

He turns and walks out into the garden. Starts heading up the stairs.

JENNY

You're not supposed to die! This isn't the plan!

Jenny watches him go. After a moment, she smiles.

JENNY

But it'll do.

______________________________________________________________________

BUFFY

You won't get Angel.

JENNY

You think you can fight me. I'm not a demon, little girl. I'm something you can't conceive. The first evil. Beyond sin, beyond death... I am the thing the darkness fears. You will never see me, but I am everywhere. Every being, every thought, every drop of hate --

BUFFY

I get it. You're evil. Do we have to chat about it all day?

Jenny stops smiling.

JENNY

Angel will be dead by sunrise. Your Christmas will be his wake.

BUFFY

No.

JENNY

You have no idea what you're dealing with.

BUFFY

Let me guess... is it evil?

Jenny suddenly transforms into a giant, monstrous Angel of Death looking thing. Buffy starts back -- and it's gone. A voice rings out -- not Jenny's; hardly human.

THE FIRST (V.O.)

Dead by sunrise!

A moment, and Buffy flees the cave.

INT. MANSION/EXT. GARDEN - NIGHT

Buffy runs in, calling out:

BUFFY

Angel!

No answer. She makes for the garden, looking around. Looks at the sky and thinks.

She bolts up the stairs.

EXT. HILLSIDE - NIGHT

Buffy makes her way along, looking for Angel. She clears a couple of bushes, looks out at:

EXT. BLUFF - NIGHT

It overlooks the town. Angel stands at the edge of it, facing away from her. Waiting for the sun.

Buffy approaches him, slowly.

BUFFY

Angel?

He looks back, startled -- then slowly looks away again. Still Buffy approaches.

BUFFY

Angel, you have to come inside.

ANGEL

(looking down at the town)

I bet half the kids down there are already awake. Lying in their beds, sneaking downstairs...

(looks up at the sky)

. . . waiting for day.

BUFFY

Angel, I need you to get inside. There's only a few minutes left --

ANGEL

I know. I can smell the sunrise long before it comes.

BUFFY

I don't have time to explain this. You have to trust me; that thing that was haunting you --

ANGEL

It wasn't haunting me. It was just showing me.

BUFFY

Showing you --

ANGEL

What I am.

BUFFY

Were.

ANGEL

And ever shall be. I wanted to know why I was back. Now I do.

BUFFY

You don't know. What, some great honking evil takes credit for bringing you back and you buy it? You just give up?

ANGEL

I can't do it again, Buffy. I can't become a killer.

BUFFY

Then you fight it!

ANGEL

It's too hard.

Her frustration is mounting to panic as she looks to the sky.

BUFFY

Angel, please -- just come inside.

ANGEL

It told me to kill you. You were in the dream, you know -- it told me to take you, to lose my soul in you and become a monster again.

BUFFY

I know what it told you. Why does it matter?

ANGEL

Because I wanted to! Because I want you so badly, I want to take comfort in you and I know it'll cost me my soul and a part of me doesn't care. I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man.

BUFFY

You're weak. Everybody is. Everybody fails. Maybe this evil power did bring you back, but if it did it's because it needs you. And that means you can hurt it. You have the power to do real good, Angel, to make amends. But if you die now, then all you ever were was a monster.

He does not respond. Is turned from her. Her frustration is mounting.

BUFFY

Angel... the sun is coming out...

ANGEL

Just go.

BUFFY

I won't.

ANGEL

You think this is simple. You think there's an answer. You can never understand what I've done. Now go!

BUFFY

You're not staying here! I won't let you --

She grabs him. He throws her off.

ANGEL

Leave!

She punches him in the face. He throws her violently away -- she falls to the ground, the back of her head hitting a rock.

He rushes to her, dropping to his knees and pulling her up to him. Frustration sweeps over him and he grabs her arms hard enough to hurt.

ANGEL

(bitterly)

Am I a thing worth saving? Am I a righteous man? The world wants me gone.

Weakness overcomes her, tears finally spilling out as she implores:

BUFFY

What about me? What about - Angel I love you so much --

(sobbing)

-- and I've tried to make you go away, I killed you and it didn't help...

She pulls away from him and stands, anger surfacing through her tears.

BUFFY

And I hate it. I hate that it's so hard... that you can hurt me so much... I know everything you've done because you did it to me. I wish I wished you dead. But I don't. I can't.

He is also crying, wanting so badly to take comfort in her words...

ANGEL

Buffy, please... just this once...let me be strong.

BUFFY

Strong is fighting. It's hard and it's painful and it's every day. It's what we have to do and we can do it together, but if you're too much of a coward for that then burn.

ANGEL

Buffy --

BUFFY

Let the sun kill you! If I can't convince you you have a place in the world, then I don't know what will. So die. But don't expect me to watch, and don't expect me to mourn for you, 'cause, I don't have... I...

They've started about halfway through her speech. Light, just a few flakes at first, but by the time she stops they are all around. She looks about her. So does Angel. They look up at the sky, almost unable to comprehend the fact that it's snowing.

Slowly, they turn to look out on the town. The camera moves past them and arms up toward the vista. A thick and silent snow falls over the whole of Sunnydale.

INT. WILLOW'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Camera is outside the room, amid the gentle snow. We see through the frosted french doors that Willow and Oz have fallen asleep in each other's arms. They stir, and rise, looking out at the window.

EXT. BUFFY'S FRONT PORCH - NIGHT

Joyce and Faith walk out into the snow, silently looking about them.

INT. GILES' APARTMENT - NIGHT

Giles moves slowly to his window, staring out.

EXT. XANDER'S BACK YARD - NIGHT

We move past a lawn chair and table to Xander in his sleeping bag. Beside him are a flashlight and comic books and a plate of Christmas cookies. Snow is beginning to cover everything.

Xander moves uncomfortably in his sleep, pulls the sleeping bag over his head. A beat, then he re-emerges, eyes open. Clearly confused.

EXT. CHRISTMAS TREE LOT - NIGHT

As the two men rush out and start to cover their fake-snowed trees with plastic.

TREE SELLER GUY

Oh, man! It's gonna get the snow all wet!

EXT. SUN CINEMA - NIGHT

As snow falls on the big (and presently incongruous) SUN sign.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE APPLIANCE STORE

Snow falls around us as the camera moves in at the same TV, the same Weatherman -- with a slightly revised forecast.

WEATHERMAN

And while most of southern California is enjoying a balmy Christmas, an extreme cold front has sprung up --out of nowhere -- around Sunnydale, where they are reporting heavy snowfall for the first time in...well, ever. Sunnydale residents shouldn't expect to see the sun at all today, that cold front isn't going anywhere. Temperatures in the high thirties mean you'd better bundle up if you're planning to go outside and enjoy the change in the weather...

EXT. SUNNYDALE STREET - NIGHT

We see a huge vista -- Sunnydale under snow. Pan down as Buffy and Angel walk hand in hand together through the heavy snowfall. Looking about them, at the world, at each other.

Not saying a word. Not needing to.

BLACK OUT.

END OF SHOW

Often two thirds of me believes I should be dead. My autoimmune disease attacked my heart and lungs so severely at onset, had they not figured it out in time...for years I begged God to tell me why I was still alive. Why He didn't just let me die. Living was so hard. It still is. I just wanted to be in heaven. If you ask me, after a near death experience in which you thought you were going to heaven and then are disappointed with the fact you are alive...well, let's just say it took quite a while for living not to feel like hell.

There are a number of answers God has revealed to me as to why He didn't let me die. But one that means the most to me, is that I see this second chance as an opportunity to make amends. To show God I love Him. Regardless.

The first 19, maybe 20, years of my life I didn't do anything to show God I loved Him. Instead I did everything I could to make it look like I loved Him. Yeah, there were these moments--where I actually was, but they were nothing more than moments. The other 98% of my life was spent on me. My wants. My desires. My dreams.

The thing about Western Christianity is that we have somehow both directly and indirectly been taught how to read the Bible as a self help book to help us achieve the corrupted American Dream. That is why God created all of this?! Simply so you could get what you want?! Really?! I mean, seriously?! I can not for the life of me understand how I believed that lie, one of the devil's greatest, for 22 years? Seriously?! My word. What a waste.

That is why my mission is to seek so much Truth that has eternal value, to memorize it, to write it on my heart. It's so that I know how to make amends. And then, at the start and end of every single day, I beg God to help me actually make that amends. To actually do what I know. For that is wisdom.

Donald Miller learned from his friend that what we say is not what we believe. That what we do is what we believe. And I have challenged that with my idea that it's not just what we do, but why we do it.

For about 20 years I called myself Christian. And occasionally my actions showed that I was what I said I was. But mostly, if you look at why I was a "good" kid and teen, Christian would never describe me.

"Thy love did read by rote that could not spell."
"For doting not for loving, pupil mine."

When I was dying, God and Death himself showed me the most important thing I have ever seen: Who I was compared to who God wanted me to be....it was devastating. It was gut wrenching. It was and is unbearable. It was dense blackness next to pure white. It was dehumanizing. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt...scared.

To this day, I'm not so sure what would have happened to me had I died at 18 with a fake showy faith. And nothing scares me more than that.

V for Vendetta, the movie, implied that freedom is the absence of fear. I say Christian freedom is when you, finally, only fear God. And not just in a respectful way, but in a I better get my crap together before it's too late sort of way. And once that happened to me at 18, nothing has ever been the same. And I thank God for that, and I demand He makes sure I never forget it.

And that is why I am making amends. Mind you, I fail 95% of the time, but that's 5% more than before and I will take it. For now.

I will not stand to see that same deep dense darkness the next time I'm on my deathbed. And least, God I hope not.

At the very least, my greatest dream, my greatest purpose, is to find a way to be just even the tiniest amount more grey. I like grey. Grey looks more and more beautiful every day. It is grey I am fighting for. To show God not just with what I am doing with my life, but why, how much I love Him.

I know why it took me this long to use the word amends. Because for a therapist it opens up all kinds of doors into our psyche that can become our personality theory: why we do what we do. And that fascinates them, excites them, and it gives them a sense of power with their knowledge of us. And that is how it feels when they do figure us out: like they have all the power.

It scares us having someone think they know or actually know us that well: too well. I have bigger and taller and stronger walls around me the the greatest of fortresses. To have someone walk right through all of my security precautions is scary as hell. Once they are in, they may never leave. Or worse still, they will soon know everything. Everything.

On top of that fear, I have my greatest fear: will I even make amends? As a Christian I do not necessarily need to; my everlasting life does not depend on it. Not literally anyway. But here is how I have come to see it, through the writings of my favorite authors, and through my experiences with God: you won't make amends to earn a ticket to heaven, but if you love God anywhere near as much as He loves you, you will die trying. And I'm ready. To tell my therapist. To tell everyone who actually reads this blog. That I need to make amends. Not to weasel my way into heaven, but to finally show God how much I love Him, before it's too late.

Buffy and Angel, the series', called what made it snow that morning in southern california, The Powers That Be. Sounds a lot like God saying "I am".

It snowed on me when I didn't die in that hospital at 18. I am not foolish to think it will ever again.

I am not who I was.

I will be strong.

Strong is fighting.

I will fight.

I know why I am still here.

I know why I am here.

I know who I am.

I have the power to do real good.

I will make amends.

Special Note:

When I think God couldn't get more amazing, He lets me finally realize, almost eight years later, that the first time I ever saw snow fall was while dying in the hospital.

I'm crying.

Still shaking my head.

God is too cool.

And if for whatever hardship you are going through, you can't see that right now, just give it time. Even eight years. But I promise it won't take Him that long as long as you are focused on His glory and grace and love.

Keep looking up. The snow will fall.

Posted with Blogsy

August 26, 2012

SENTIENCE: EMOTIONAL HURRICANE OR GOD'S WONDERFUL?

"The greatest weapon anyone can use against us is our own mind. By praying on the doubts and uncertainties that already lurk there." - Revenge (the TV show)

There are a million reasons I'm not proud of who I was or who I still am. But nothing frustrates me more than when I write posts like the one below. It couldn't be more Job if I tried.

I've said this before about Job many times to myself and probably on a number of my blogs over the years. God let Job and his wife and his friends ramble on about why Job was suffering and how it did or didn't feel for 38 of 42 chapters. 38 of 42 chapters.

Let's say you translate that to life. If you lived 48 years, God would let you try to figure suffering out and listen to you and all those around you for 38 years. 38 years. Can you imagine being God and listening to our emotions get the better of us 90% of every day for 38 years? If not more? Us telling ourselves and each other and God Himself why we are suffering. It's ridiculous. I don't know how God sits up there and listens to us yell and scream and cry and complain like children for so long.

And that is what I do every day. That is what I did in the post below. It's what I've done in probably most of them. And do you realize how I try to end them? With a prayer, with logic, with God's Truth. Why cant I just go there first and only there, all the time? Why do I let my emotions sneak into my mind's uncertainties. Why do I let my emotions doubt His Truth?

C. S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters, Randy Alcorn's modern adaptation of that, The Ishbane Conspiracies, have flat out told us exactly how the Devil and his demons pull us away from our Lord and Savior and we have learned nothing from it. Nothing. Or at least we do nothing about it.

Donald Miller tells us there is a war going on. A war between the Kingdom of Heaven and the Princialities of Darkness. But nothing in the way I live will show you I am a warrior for Christ in this battle. Nothing. And that is why the Devil gets me all worked up over not sleeping and being in pain and feeling lonely. Because I haven't accepted my role in all of this. And that is the tragedy.

If we don't realize how the Devil uses every moment in our lives to pull us away from God how will we survive our time in these bodies on this planet and come out knowing God and having Him know us-- having never let anyone or anything keep us from Him and the relationship we can and should have with Him? I don't think we can.

The Devil is winning in my life all the time and I don't even know it. And if I don't know it, how do I expect myself to do something about it? How do I expect things to get better for me, for my relations with others, and most importantly for my relationship with Christ?

Every sleepless night I let my mind and my emotional lies get the better of me, he has won. The Principalities of Darkness have won that battle.

Every sleepless night I spend with God cherishing the evening I have Him all to myself with not a single distraction as I get lost in bewilderment of all He has done for me and the ones I love and all He will continue to do, The Kingdom of Heaven wins.

Look, just because we are blessed enough to know that The Kingdom of Heaven will win in the end, doesn't mean we don't fight now. Know thy enemy. He has a lot to teach us. About himself, about God, and most importantly about our strengths and weaknesses.

I think as humans who are sentient, being aware we are suffering in this world and the ability to over analyze it and let it haunt us every moment of every day, is one of our easiest weaknesses that the devil can and does endlessly use to get us to draw away from God, from trusting Him, from loving Him regardless, and being content in His love no matter what.

When I stop believing my emotions, when I stop letting my mind convince me something is true that isn't, when I only look to God for Truth, that is when I can smile and feel joy and contentent no matter what is happening in my life. Be it a sleepless night, a painful day, a loss, I can look around at everything, and not just the pain, and see there is so much of God in everything around me, that all I can do is the best part of the story of Job.

After Job and his friends and wife put their two cents worth in for 38 chapters God spoke to Job in a whirlwind. Do you remember what God said? He basically says that if you really look around you Job, not at what you have lost, but at all that remains, like the sky and the animals and all these people, and the waters and the land--if I can do all this, and understands its physics, if I can control the rain and snow and wind and sun and all the creatures of the earth, and continue cultivating the lives of every living thing on this planet, can't I be trusted?

God doesn't offer a reason why Job suffered.

He doesn't tell Job He will restore all Job lost.

He doesn't even tell Job things will get better or easier.

He doesn't hold Job in His arms and let Him cry some more.

God simply says, "Trust me."

In other words, cling to me, stay near to me, find comfort in me, let my love fill those losses and look around at all that is still here and be dazzled by it.

Do you remember what Job's response was?

Job, well I imagine He was humbled into silence for quite a while. I imagine he then looked all around him, and for the first time since he lost everything, saw all that God was still doing in his life, and he saw all that he had left, all that remained, and I imagine he started to cry.

And then, all that Job could utter was... "All this is too wonderful for me."

All this is too wonderful for me.

All this is too wonderful for me!

Job is sitting by the fire picking the scabs from his wounds, mourning the loss of his family, his wife, his friends, his land, his possessions, his cattle, his livelihood, and after He looks around at all that God has done and still does and will do, he is humbled into an awed sense of pure trust in His Lord.

It suddenly doesn't matter if things get better or worse. It suddenly doesn't matter what his emotions are telling him. It doesn't matter what tricks his mind is playing as the devil is attempting to scream at Job all his lies, playing on his doubts. At this point, sitting there listening to God speak through a whirlwind, Job was no longer afraid of anything. He didn't doubt God at all. There were no uncertainties. No matter what Job had lost or had left to lose, he had God and knew Him, for all that God really is. And in that moment Job couldn't hear, or see, or feel anything but God and His Truth.

It was at that moment, in the encompassing and thundering silence of God's absolute Truth, that Job is so stunned by God, by who He truly is, by all that He is, that Job can't think or feel anything but awe and calm and a joy that probably brought him to tears as God revealed not a glimpse of what this is really all about, this sentient life, but the absolute Truth about this sentient life: All this really is too wonderful for us. It truly is. Anything else you think you know or anything else you are feeling for even one second, is a lie. The Devil's lie. Contentment and wonderment are God's Truth. Unwavering faith is His Truth. And of course love and joy and light and beauty and grace and peace and all the other endlessly glorious things that God is.

You know, I used to be able to say that. All this is too wonderful for me. There were quite a number of times I was able to say that, even on my worst of days. I hate myslef for not having said it in longer than I remember. I have been blinded and consumed by my emotions and uncertainties. They have kept me so preoccupied that I have forgotten this war we are in. And that is everything the devil wanted to happen...and I'm sick of it. And I'm dissappointed in myself. And I'm angry I've let it get this far. In almost eight years, have I really learned nothing? By the looks of my life and the emotional hurricane I've been in, I'd have to say I haven't.

God, I am begging you to help me believe nothing but Your Truth. I am weak. I need Your help. If there is one thing I hate the most, it is having been lied to for so long, for being so weak I believed the lies, and nothing has changed. May what I know about You be what I live to be True. Help me.

I know we are in this war, and I want to fight for Your Kingdom. He may know my weaknesses, but I know they are his greatest weapon against me. Please help my knowledge of that catch him off guard and help me to prevent him from using it. Knowing he needs my doubts and uncertainties can be my weapon against him.

I will be able to say it again. And soon, with God's help and with an awareness of my enemies tricks, and a knowledge of how to fight back against the principalities of darkness, most especially the ones that live inside of me. Our minds trick us into all kinds of trouble. And using that against us is the devil's greatest and oldest trick. Here is how we are going to fight back:

Be still and know that I am God...

Be still. Stop thinking. Stop feeling. Shut up and look around you. Look for God in everything you see, smell, hear, feel, and taste. Trust that if He can do all that, then He not only can be trusted, but He should be trusted. Know there is a war going on and the devil will make you, your soul, a casualty in this war at any and every opportunity. Be alert. Be on the lookout. Fight back.

If you are an athlete and you are struggling with your running speed, do you say "oh well" or do you work harder?

If you are a student and you have good grades in every subject but math do you ignore that fact, or do you study harder?

If you have specific weaknesses the devil uses to make your soul drift farther from God, are you going to sit idly by like nothing is happening and/or there is nothing you can do, or are you going to work with God to make your weaknesses your strengths? Strengths that enable you to cling to God, know God, and trust His Truth more than ever before? Strengths that enable you to look around you in wonderment and joy instead of pain and doubt and anger?

I am sick of my feelings trying to convince me they are the truth. I'm sick of my mind's doubts, fears, and insecurities tricking me into turning away from God instead of walking towards Him. I'm am tired of my sentience being a bad thing. I am tired of focussing on what I have lost instead of being astonished and humbled into reverent silence by all that remains. I am annoyed that I have known all that I am saying right now for years now, and nothing has changed. I have not changed. I have not done what I have written to be True. What I know is Truth. His Truth. I have sat idly by in this battle allowing the devil to trick me. I have wasted my time and God's. I am disgusted knowing that what I need to do, should do, want to do, I haven't--I don't.

It is my fault I feel lonely. It is my fault I ask why I can't sleep. It is my fault why I get angry I am suffering. It's all my fault. The devil is using my sentience against me. He is turning it against me. He is making it my biggest weakness instead of me fighting back and making it my greatest strength.

If I only listened to God's Truth and applied it, none of this would happen. If I knew, wholeheartedly, instead of just sounding it out, that "All this is too wonderful for me," then none of this would happen. There would be no doubts. No insecurities. No emotional lies. Only God and His Truth and His Love and His glory and grace and His peace.

I need God's help. We all need God's help. Being sentient gives both God and the devil a way into our lives and our souls and our minds. But with true focus and tenacity and support from God and each other, our sentience could/would no longer be something used against us and against God, but it would finally cultivate the relationship God longs to have with us.

I know this can happen. I also know it will be hard and we will never do this flawlessly. We will make mistakes. But if we fight the good fight together, we can keep each other on track, or at least get each other back on track faster than if we were doing it alone. We can remind each other the importance of our sentience and how God's plan is to use it to help us grow closer to Him. We can beat the devil back from using our sentience for his plans: to devour our souls so God can't get them. We will stumble in this path. We will undulate up and down, from moving towards God, back to falling away from Him, and then climbing back up to Him again. But that's ok. It's expected because we are human. All that matters is that we undulate toward God more than away from Him, that we never lose sight of His Truth, and that we keep each other focused on all that God has done that is just too too wonderful for all of us.

I promise you this: if you believe this Truth I am telling you, if we fight this together, if we hold each other accountable and always lift each other up, if we help one another always find God's wonderful around us no matter how diffucult life seems, we will be able to say it more and more until it's all that we know.

Being sentient makes us capable of feeling. Aren't you sick and tired of feeling sick and tired? I know I am. I choose feeling God's love and wonder and grace and love and joy over whatever this crap is that I normally feel every day and especially every sleepless night. Let God use our sentience for His purposes, and fight the devil back from using it for his.

All this, all this, really is too wonderful for all of us. God and I promise.

Posted with Blogsy

August 21, 2012

WORDS, WORDS, WORDS: INSOMNIA'S TRUTH AND LIES

Finding the right words isn't as easy as it can seem. I think I write mostly because if I didn't I would have no way of communicating with anyone, especially myself.

Right now for instance. I'm feeling something, but I couldn't tell you exactly what it is. I can't even tell myself what it is. All I know is it makes my soul restless.

I feel like I'm on the verge of losing it. Whether it is my mind, my soul's balance in this life, or my calm, or my cool, or my peace. Either way I feel anxious and frustrated and bored.

All I want to do is get in the car and drive, away. Or run. Or scream, except I never scream. I honestly don't recall a single time where something made me scream. All I know is something is building up and building up and about to overflow into a surge of...dark energy. It's dark and heavy and electric. It pulses through every nerve in my body and it wants me to break.

I get this feeling pretty much every night at around 3:00 am. I'm lyinging here, still unable to fall asleep, and it kills me that I can't.

"Do you know how hard it is to fall asleep when you know that's what you're supposed to do." -Alaric, The Vampire Diaries (Yes, I just said Vampire Diaries.)

I wish my body had a way it could scream physically instead of my voice. It wants to find a way, and it feels like whatever that way would be, it...I don't know.

I used to get to hit the stitching off of softballs for hours every day when I was healthy. I used to run and shoot hoops and serve a volleyball and field a grounder and hear the pop of the glove and the crack of the bat. That was how my healthy younger self allowed my body to scream away life's stress. But now? Now I feel like I've got nothing.

Yeah, I bought a guitar to replace sports, but it's not the same. And besides, my carpel tunnel syndrome is so bad I have like six Salan Pas patches on my wrist and then I taped it for the stability and compression. Typing right now is more difficult than you can imagine. So playing the guitar couldn't be more out of the question. But without softball and the guitar, and with no other way to "scream" and release the anxiety, here I am writing. As if typing on a screen is somehow similar to hitting a softball. It's not. Nothing is. But it's all I've got, so I'm clinging to it like my life depends on it, because most days, and especially nights, I honestly believe it does.

And I feel like if I can just find the right words to tap out to describe what I'm feeling then maybe it will go away. Like I can trap it on the Internet instead of letting it fester inside.

It feels like if I can just tell myself and all of you what's wrong, what's right, what is true, and what is false in my life, then it will actually be brought to life. Like I'm writing it into existence. Or out of existence. And I suppose sometimes, and maybe dare I say often, it's true: I do feel like I write things and feelings and experiences into or out of existence. Whatever I need them to be or do. But tonight, like a lot of nights, all of this just feels like words. Words, words, words.

I am now finding myself staring at the screen. At the keyboard. At all these letters that supposedly mean something, especially if arranged "correctly", and I am thinking, "Really?". I really expect tapping on a bunch of symbols a certain way is supposed to make me and other people feel differently, and for long dramatic, life changing periods of time? It's crazy.

And yet...there's no way I can stop.

And I suppose I should just be thankful for a way to communicate. A lot of people can't, don't, or won't. And to me that would be one of the worst forms of torture.

And I suppose even if I feel just barely three ounces less crazy inside having typed out these ramblings, that is a success. And I'd be foolish and spoiled to call it anything less.

And I suppose if I didn't give up on writing, even in the darkest hours when it just feels silly talking to all three of you and myself, then that's a win too.

I just wish communicating was easier. I wish I could express myself like characters in a movie or tv show who have the best writers laboring over how they should perfectly say what they are thinking and feeling. I often envy characters on tv, to tell you the truth. Not because of who they are or where they are or what they are doing, but because of their abilities to express themselves clearly and seemingly without fear.

I know a ton of people wonder why I hate the telephone. And they wonder why I would rather write something instead of just saying it. Here's the thing about us writers: we are scared as hell talking verbally either face to face or on the phone. But we can be quite fearless behind the safety of a screen. I'm telling you, if you want to really know what I'm thinking and feeling and going through, let me write it. Because there's no way I've been constructed by God to be able to say it to your face. Not yet anyway.

Writing helps me conquer, or at least admit and address my biggest fears.

Tonight, I fear what insomnia is doing to me, not just physically, but to absolutely every other aspect of my health.

And I fear if and when it will break me.

And I'm even more scared of what my breakdown will look like.

And I endlessly worry why I can't just get in bed, let my head hit the pillow, and then be sleeping silently and peacefully and restoratively.

I freak out at this hour if it's my fault. If I did something or am doing something to screw the natural order of my life up. And I then wonder if this is just God's plan. And if it is, why does the whole flipping world make me feel so bad for not sleeping when the world tells me I am supposed to. It's not fair.

And then I wonder why I need to know why. Can't I just continue trying my best and leave the rest to God? Why is the worst part of insomnia being awake at 4:00 am over analyzing your insomnia? Maybe this is the Devil's plan, his trick, I think to myself. To get me to freak out about not sleeping during the hours the world tells me to sleep, which only gets me to sleep even less. yeah, I think, it's all his fault.

And then I have to humble myself enough to remember my motto: you can either blame the Devil OR thank God.

And then I feel even more horrible. And then I lose even more sleep--This is crap. Pure crap. Grrrr. I need a snack.

Dear Lord,

Help me, help me, help me trust You and this life you have given me, whatever it may be, whatever it may look like to everybody else, and whatever it feels like. And Lord, if I am worthy, please reveal Your whole Truth to me.

And thank you, thank you, thank you for guiding me over the years to writing and persisting through all my reluctance towards this form of art and expression. You knew I would need this outlet long before I did, especially at 4:30 am. Thank you.

And please calm my soul and the souls of my readers and friends and family tonight, right now, and every night. Or may we at least realize through our attempting pure unrelenting trust in You that there is no reason to feel restless when You are right here with us.

Help me to remember to stop playing the blame game and just be thankful I am Yours and Yours alone and You love me enough to get me through any and everything, even and especially endless amount of sleepless nights.

Besides, nothing focuses my full attention on You more than my insomnia. Pain truly is Your megaphone like C. S. Lewis says. Maybe it's time I stop talking and venting and screaming and I start shutting up, lying still and listening to You. Tell me everything Lord. Here I am.

Amen

By the way, It's 5:00 am. I have to stop. This will realistically get cleaned up more later. But I'm counting on these issues getting out of my head, heart, and soul and lost in the ether world. I certainly hope so and will pretend its true. Now, for that snack.

Posted with Blogsy

August 20, 2012

ENDURE THE ELEMENTS

I just really love this from Element Skateboards, so I cleaned it up a bit.

Posted with Blogsy

THE PROMISE OF MEANING

Bob Goff (@bobgoff)

8/7/12 12:22 PM

Jesus never said He'd eliminate all of the confusion from our lives; He just promised He'd bring meaning to it @lovedoes

C. S. Lewis says he never wrote The Problem Of Pain as a self help book. But nothing, and I mean nothing, has helped me stay strong through all my suffering more than understanding why we suffer. Once I knew the meaning of my suffering, our suffering, I knew that I didn't need or want God to eliminate it. I knew wholeheartedly that my suffering had meaning. And I never wanted to be foolish enough or spoiled enough to dare ask the suffering, conflict, trial, tribulation, or confusion to be eliminated. I only ask it has His meaning for me and my life.

Christ promised us many troubles in this world, and yet we sit way down here and complain about it. We have the audacity to ask God "Why me?" and Why this?" and "Why won't you take this cross from me?" but they are never questions, are they? Because if they were legitimate questions we would take the time to find the answers, but we don't. We just keep pretending those statements are some deep theological question, but they aren't. They are said in moments of pure doubt and frustration. They are said with a bit of anger in them. They are us lamenting.

They aren't questions. But they should be. They need to be. Because if you're gonna sit around down here on earth wasting all your time lamenting that you are suffering, you are wasting the life God gave you and you are ignoring His purpose for you and your life.

If you are going to "ask" a question, seek out the answer! God has given us meaning for our suffering, for our confusion, for everything eternally important in our lives through the example of Christ. The answers are here. They are right around the corner. Keep looking. Let Christ bring meaning to your life. All of it. The good and the bad. The easy and the hard. The moments of clarity and of confusion. He is God remember. He has the answers. So, ask Him the meaning of whatever you are struggling with, and seek out His answer. You will be amazed and rejuvenated, and it will bring you even closer to Him.

Posted with Blogsy

August 19, 2012

I'M STILL TALKING TO MYSELF

"It's one of my theories that when people give you advice, they're just really talking to themselves in the past. This book is me talking to a previous version of myself." - Austin Kleon

Kleon is right. I couldn't have said it better myself. For years I thought I was writing for all of you, so you could learn now what I learned when it was almost too late. The truth though, is that I write for me, and to me.

I wish I could get the younger version of myself to listen to what I know now. But, I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't have wanted to hear a single word of it. Not just because I was an adolescent, but because I didn't want to believe this Truth. I loved my lies. They made sense. They were easier than the Truth. It was too scary to imagine I had it wrong the whole time, so I continued pretending I was right.

Every word I type is me talking to myself. I only put it online because I know I can't be the only one who thinks or feels this way, or who needs to hear the Truth, even if it's for the 100th time. Because, honestly, it often doesn't matter how many times we hear the Truth, we still don't do anything about it. Not yet anyways.

"Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again." - Andre Gide

So look, I'm gonna repeat myself, and the tone can get really honest and harsh on here really quickly. At the end of the day, I'm yelling at the old me, and the current me who hasn't completely listened to the me I want to be, ok? But I'm asking all of you to be honest with yourselves. If you could, would you be saying these things to your old selves? Your current selves? Just think about that.

Memoirists say you don't know who you are until you tell your story. This blog is me trying to figure out who I was, who I am, and who I am striving to be. You'd do well to do the same. We'd do well to encourage each other to do this as often as we can.

And look, I know it's easier not to take the time in our day to ask these kinds of questions, and it's even easier to think we don't have the time to ask these questions. But the Truth is, from someone talking to her former self, you need to make time. It's more important than you can even imagine. You need to know who you are in comparison to who you were and who you want to be. I don't know how you know how to live your life if you don't ask these questions and find their answers. They tell you what is and isn't necessary. For all you know, you could be wasting hours of your day every day on something that has nothing to do with who you are striving to be. Who you want to be tells you what you need to do. It is terrifyingly that simple, and it will turn your whole world upside down, and you may not be ready for that now. But your choice is face it now, or wait for God to give you no other choice later. Either way, asking the big questions is vital to your faith and life. It's now because you choose Truth, or it's later when God makes you face the Truth, usually at a very inopportune time. It doesn't seem like it's your choice, but it is. Sorry.

I hope none of you feel like I'm scolding you with advice. Seriously, that would break my heart. I've had people shove their ideas, religions, thoughts, and opinions down my throat. It stole my peace for weeks, sometimes months. I was so angry.

I don't want my audience to feel angry. I want you to feel inspired. Inspired to take a closer look at everything. Not just yourselves and your lives, but each other, nature, God, art, books, television. Just look more closely at everything because I never used to and I'm upset about it.

And hey, feel free to comment what you would love to tell your former self. We all have a ton we can learn from each other. It's about time we communicate our pasts to prevent other people's futures from looking just like them. So please share your Truth with me, with us. Trust me, I need all the help I can get, and I bet I'm not the only one. Continue the conversation below. Take care. And good luck.

Posted with Blogsy

August 18, 2012

DON'T GIVE UP

Posted with Blogsy

August 15, 2012

WITHOUT YOU

Without You by Shawn McDonald

[VERSE 1]

And sometimes a man
has to get everything taken away
Before he realizes
Just how good he’s got it made
And please be thankful
Of what you got cause if your not it just might pass you on by
And you will find yourself standin’ there
Oh, asking the question: “why?”

[CHORUS]
And what would I do
If I did not have you
And what would I say
If I had no one to say it to
Yes, I would be
Oh, so lonely, without you

[VERSE 2]

And I don’t know how long I’ll be around
I’m travelin’ from town to town
And let me take a moment and realize
Just how I feel inside
And all my friends it’s been rough
Oh, and I love you all so
And no matter where I go
It’s in my heart, I’ll hold you close

-Chorus-

[BRIDGE]
And what would I do
If I did not have you
And what would I say
If I...I had no one to say…
To say it too
I would be
Oh, I would be so lonely
Without...
Without you

(Softer)
-chorus-

I mean every word.

HEAVY, DARK, EVIL EMOTIONAL LIES

"...suffering is not good in itself. What is good in any painful experience is, for the sufferer, his submission to the will of God, and, for the spectators, the compassion aroused and the acts of mercy to which it leads." - C. S. Lewis

I'm sorry, but I HAVE to vent this. I do not think I have so blatantly gotten this out of me on a blog before.

I've told God. I've told a select few people. I've hinted at it. But I have never thrown it into the universe. But understand I am saying it just to get it out of me. To get these sticky, heavy, dark, evil EMOTIONS out of me. They are festering and growing and I hate it. I just hate these emotions dragging me down and throwing me all about. Making me FEEL like something is true when it probably isn't.

It SEEMS and FEELS like I don't have a support system to help me through Stills Disease.

Yeah, there's mom and dad but they can't fully understand and they can't do it all. Yeah L--- understands more than any other person on this planet but we are both such a mess and so far away from each other...and there are a SELECT few more, but I'm talking about people going out of their way to support me and be here for me. People researching this disease and my meds and anticipating my needs before I am experiencing them. I had someone do that before, so I know it is possible. But where are they now?

I see it on tv and in movies and in real life all the time. A hoard of family and friends gathering around the one they love who is struggling. Where is my hoard of people? Where is my support system?

I often wonder if it's all my fault or theirs.

Yeah while I was healthy I was either self obsessed or with only one set of my grandparents. That was my fault. I am NOT proud of that. But...I don't know.

Or is it my fault for not calling these people, having them over, and then ripping my heart out right in front of them, handing it to them and telling them what it felt like to be dying, and how I worry every day I will be hospitalized. And how every day I think about what it will be like to die early since I probably will, and how even if I don't, by then it will be so bad I will want to. Is it my fault for not doing that? Is it my fault I don't want to tell them how bad it is and that's why they aren't around? Because they don't know? Because I never spent energy I DON'T have telling them how horrible this whole thing is? Is it? Is it all my fault?

Maybe it is. I dont know anymore. Ive spent the last almost eight years wondering where my hoards are, if they even exist, and will they ever show up, and what will it take for them to show up? Ive wondered if will take something like cancer for me to finally have their attention. Is that all that we deem as important enough for us to finally stop what we are doing and be there for someone these days? And I HATE how I'm often thinking about if that happens, God forbid, will I even want them around? Often I think I wouldn't want them anywhere near me because they missed out on helping me for eight whole years. But maybe things will be different in the future. Maybe things will be so bad my heart will finally soften and I will accept their delayed support anyway...

I wonder how many people have given up on me, if that's the problem? I don't have people over and I think that hurts their feelings or something? Like its my fault for not letting them visit? It doesn't matter that I'm barely functioning, I'm completely depleted of energy, I haven't showered in days, they NEVER stay for a SHORT visit, and often they are carrying so many germs that could seriously attack my body and put me in the hospital. Its ALL my fault for never inviting them over! Right?

And maybe I don't love them as much as I used to because I never go to events anymore. Because I haven't been in seven years. Not like that timing should mean anything. Oh no, it's just a coincidence! And it doesn't matter that I never leave the house except for a doctors appointment. All that matters is that I never show up to THEIR important event. Right?

All I can do is shake my head and try not to cry.

I give a shrug of my shoulders to the whole scenario.

I look up at the ceiling as if God lives sitting somewhere just beyond it and ask Him what I should do or say now.

I don't know. I just don't know.

It's been eight years of fighting this on my own, and I just don't know what to say or do about it anymore. I honestly don't. And I'm scared as hell of what I'm gonna do if this gets any worse than it already is because I truly believe we (my parents and I) will not be able to do this alone very much longer. And I can't think of a single person who will stop everything in their own lives simply to help us with ours. What happened?! Why?! And what are we gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I can't support myself by myself at all, let alone up until the day I die!

I'm afraid all will crumble before me at any moment and I will be all alone. I'm afraid. I'm horribly afraid of being alone. Because I know I CAN NOT get through this alone.

Where is the compassion? Where are the acts of mercy? Where are my people? Lord what did I do to lose my people?

Lord why are these emotions getting me so worked up about this, even eight years later?

Lord...let logic, Your Truth, constantly and ceaselessly remind me that sometimes the pain in our own lives is so loud we can't hear the pain in anyone else's.

Help me.

Soften my heart.

Tell me the Truth.

Tell me Your Truth.

And make sure I know every moment of every day that You are my support system! You are my people! And You should be more than enough to get me through this! Amen (so be it truly).

August 7, 2012

TRUE SELF

Jon Acuff (@jonacuff)

8/4/12 12:30 PM

Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion. - Brennan Manning

I've been trying to find a simple way to say this for seven years. Here it is. It is one of the most important Truths:

I thought my identity came from what I did: sports, school, work. Once God took all of those things away I thought I had nothing left. I felt like no one. Simply because I couldn't do anything anymore because of my health problems. But I've come to realize the only real identity I had left. The identity I can never lose. The identity that no one can ever take from me.

The others were illusions. Devil's lies. I'm not what I do. I'm not what I can't do. All that I am is loved. Radically, fiercely, furiously, and purely by God.

That is who I am. That is who you are. Nothing else matters.

We are His Beloved. His servants. His children. His students. His sheep.

What more could we need?

I'll tell you: nothing.

"BROKEN" HEART SONG

TWLOHA (@TWLOHA)

8/6/12 7:15 AM

"Sometimes the break in your heart is like the hole in the flute. Sometimes it’s the place where the music comes through." - Andrea Gibson

God has a plan, a perfect purpose, for every heartache you go through. Imagine the song He can create with you if you allow Him to break you into His instrument.