It's the end of August now, and I just realized I never lost a thing. That's just what I was supposed to believe.
If it were true, if I had lost my fight, I wouldn't be here now. Had I stopped fighting completely I would have had to give up completely, and I surely haven't. I'm still here, aren't I?
The real problem is that all I do is fight. From the moment I decide to stay awake (instead of rolling over and falling back asleep until 5:00 pm) until my mind and body finally give up at the same time and I finally fall asleep around 6:00 am, all I do is fight.
Staying awake is a fight.
Getting out of bed is a fight.
Brushing my teeth and washing my face is a fight.
Getting dressed is a fight.
Taking my meds is a fight.
Staying awake is a fight.
Having to change body positions every 10 minutes because otherwise my body cramps and breaks is a fight.
Often sitting up is a fight.
Standing is a fight.
Having to ask for help with almost everything I do is a fight.
Not boring myself to death is a fight.
Never leaving the house or going outside is a fight.
Going to doctors appointments is a fight.
Not having energy for the ones I love is a fight.
Crying myself to sleep at night is a fight.
Endlessly thinking about all that I am missing out on is a fight.
Worrying about my future is a fight.
Rubbing my sore hands and arms and neck all day is a fight.
Not putting my fist through a wall is a fight.
My life is nothing but fight.
All I do is fight.
I have completely forgotten what it is like to live, and everyone takes it for granted every moment of every day.
I don't live my life. I am not living. I am fighting. And I do not know how much I have left in me most days. But tonight? Tonight I realized something.
If I were hopeless, I wouldn't be fighting. Since all I do is fight, I can't be hopeless.
I never was, not completely. Yeah, my hopes and dreams are a million times smaller and more realistic than the average, but simply staying awake is proof I want to be paying attention so that I know when my life changes. If I didn't think anything was going to get better, why am I still fighting?
I never lost anything. I just got tired. Tired of fighting. And for months I've been tricked into thinking I am weak, I am hopeless, I am nothing.
I am so tired of being easily tricked into believing all these lies. It drives me nuts. Not much enrages me more.
Lies. All lies.
I am strong.
I am a fighter.
Every day I wake up I am strong.
Every day I get up I am strong.
Every day I brush my teeth and wash my face I am strong.
Every day I stay awake to see what this day will hold I am strong, etc, etc.
Lost my fight? It's almost laughable I believed that this long, if it weren't so sad. Hopeless? If you got out of bed today, you still have hope. Otherwise you would still be there.
Getting up is strength. Getting dressed is strength. Staying awake is strength. Don't ever believe anything less. And don't you even dare let anyone tell you anything less.
Living is easy. Fighting is hard. As long as you keep getting up and keep moving, even if slowly, you are strong. If you do it again tomorrow, what you did today, you are proving you are even stronger tomorrow. And the next day, and the day after that. Every day you get up and try, you are increasing your strength, not losing it.
I am strong.
We are strong.
Keep fighting.
And as long as you fought today, there is still enough hope inside of you for something beautiful to be born from it. Just do tomorrow what you did today, and it will be enough to get you through. And maybe, just maybe, that hope can grow once you finally see how strong you really are when you stop believing the lies. And then, God willing, this thing we do everyday will feel less like fighting and more like living, even if just a little bit. Till then, if you are reading this, you are strong, and you are full of hope. And that is the Truth.
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