THE SENTIENT LIFE

April 18, 2012

Ocean Wide by The Afters

Look outside
It's already light and the stars ran away with the night
Things we're said, words that we'll try forget,
it's so hard to admit I know we've made mistakes
I see through all the tears but that's what got us here

[Chorus:]
If love is an ocean wide
We'll swim in the tears we cry
They'll see us through to the other side
We're gonna make it
When love is a raging sea
You can hold on to me
We'll find a way tonight
Love is an ocean wide

I'll stay right here
It's where I'll always belong
Tied with your arms
Days like this, I wish the sun wouldn't set
I don't want to forget
What made us feel this way
You see through all my fears
And that's what got us here

[Chorus]

Love is an ocean wide enough to forget
Even when we think we can't

[Chorus]

April 1, 2012

Contentment

Tonight. Well, it's 4:10 am. Im staring at my ceiling wondering why I am still awake. Wondering why after all the meds I took I am still in pain. As I look through the celing up to God I feel upset I've spent the last few hours watching--and laughing hysterically at--Parks and Recreation. Feeling upset I'm masking my pain instead of handing it over to God.

So I ask Him, since this is His will for me, otherwise it wouldn't be happening, what is the purpose of these painful sleepless nights. Am I supposed to be doing something productive with them I'm unaware of, or are they simply here to make me stronger every night I survive with His strength and never lose hope in Him or blame Him, but love Him regardless of what His will for me is?

And then I thought of Paul. Sometimes I feel like Paul. I feel imprisoned in my house a lot. Simply going from my room to the living room and back to room every day. It wears on me. All of me.

But there are a number of differences I think again, between the two of us. And I think how horrible of me to even pretend I know what Paul's life was like.

Paul was blinded while traveling, met Jesus in a burst of light, and he spent a number of painful years moving from city to city, from prison to prison, and was routinely bitten by snakes.

Me? Im in a nice room, painted a beautiful Rainshower grey. I have a 40 inch tv with Netflix. I have a sleep number bed. An iPod. Two guitars. It's decorated how I want it to. Its very Ikea. I have my favorite books. And these...things...these luxuries go on and on, and I think, God, am I spoiled! Who in the world am I to complain? Seriously? Seriously, I am complaining?! I could not be more spoiled right now, and that, THAT is what God is teaching me.

Every Christian knows the following Bible verse:

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Phil. 4:13

But I've yet to meet a Christian who knows the context of that verse. Who knows what Paul says right before it:

"I rejoice greatly in the Lord at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I HAVE LEARNED TO BE CONTENT WHATEVER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned THE SECRET OF BEING CONTENT IN ANY AND EVERY SITUATION, WHETHER WELL FED OR HUNGRY, WHETHER LIVING IN PLENTY OR IN WANT. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:10-13

The context of this section is contentment. That Paul can be content not matter what, with Christ's strength. Not achieve the "American Dream" with Christ's strength. Not climb Mt. Everest with Christ's strength. But BE CONTENT NO MATTER WHAT WITH CHRIST'S STRENGTH! That's the context!

And do you know where Paul is while writing this letter? IN PRISON! He is Content with Christ's strength in prison!

So who am I? Who am I to complain tonight, or any night?! I'm spoiled. I am being a spoiled little princess, and God is not in the "business" of making spoiled children. So what is God doing? He is disciplining me into contentment no matter what the circumstances are and He is giving me Christ's strength to do so.

"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

"Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed." (Hebrews 12:7-13 NIV84)

Amen. Amen God. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And please-PLEASE remind me of this every sleepless night, and Please, never give up on me. Teach me to be content no matter what. Discipline me in to a legitimate true child of yours. Discipline all the spoiled out of me. Please. (insert my gentle smile here)

March 25, 2012

A Confessionary Blog

"For so much of my life I had been defending Christianity because I thought to admit we had done any wrong was to discredit the religious system as a whole, but it isn't a religious system, it is people following Christ; and the important thing to do, the right thing to do, was to apologize for getting in the way of Jesus." - Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

I felt that way for years. I didn't have all the answers, and I knew Christianity wasn't perfect, but it was all I knew, so I defended it almost no matter what. But once I started asking God and myself what is True, I found the answers.

I am Christian, but I am not perfect. And in reality I may not even be Christian quite yet. I believe God is in the "business" of making Christians. And becoming Christian, if you are doing it "correctly" should and will take your, our, lifetime. God has to remake what He made, and we broke.

So, man up, and call each other on our faults. Recognize them. Apologize for them. It doesn't make you or me any less Christian, it makes you human: a human trying to become a Christian.

And ask God the tough questions and seek out His answers. They are out there. I promise you that. Seek. And then seek some more.

And if moreChristians were honest enough and brave enough and truthful enough to apologize for getting in the way of Christ every time we do it, I know theKingdom of God would be flourishing right now. I know they would call us hypocrites a lot less often. I know they would respect what we believe and have to say much more often. I think they might even want to hear what we have to say every now and again.

Seek Truth and speak Truth, no matter what it cost you. Christ comes first before your feelings. Before my feelings. Right?

So come on, say it with me:

"I'm am sorry I have gotten in the way of Christ. What I said, did, or thought is not who Jesus is. Please don't confuse Christians with the man himself, Christ Jesus, our Lord and Savior. He is who He is, and we are just imperfect beings trying to become as close to Him as we can. We may get it wrong sometimes, but the important thing is that we are trying to get it right. Please forgive me. I am truly very sorry."

I Love Getting Lost

This website is from Modern Met. It's pictures capturing what it's like to get lost in a novel. They are all as amazing as the ones below. Please click the link to get lost on your own adventure of thoughts and emotions that these pictures, beautifully done, take you on.

I do love getting lost.

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/joel-robinson-photography

Epic.

Can I live here for at least a year?

Christianity: The Language Of The Soul

"I don't think you can explain how Christian faith works either. It's a mystery. And I love that about Christian spirituality. It cannot be explained, and yet it is beautiful and true. It is something you feel, and it comes from the soul." -Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz, pg. 57

"He said jazz music was invented by the first generation out of slavery. I thought that was beautiful because, while it is music, it is very hard to put on paper; it is so much more a language of the soul. It is as if the soul is saying something, something about freedom. I think Christian spirituality is like jazz music. I think loving Jesus is something you feel. I think it is something very difficult to get on paper. But it is no less real, no less meaningful, no less beautiful." - Donald Miler, Blue Like Jazz, pg. 239

March 23, 2012

We Need To Talk

We need to talk about what everyone says you shouldn't: Depression.

It is NOT a taboo subject. It is very real for more than half of us. Silence only let's depression win. It's chemical and emotional and spiritual and mental. It's normal. So talk about it! If not with someone you know because you are embarrassed, then here are some options below. But seek help. And know you aren't alone. We are right here with you.

I think my therapist and I are really clicking now....talking with her is helping. Meds are helping. Being aware of depression is helping. Talking about it here is helping.

It's much more common than you think. You have nothing to worry about except hiding from the truth. So check one of these sites out. No one will know, and it just might help. Who doesn't want help? Who couldn't use help? Sometimes the strongest thing we could do is to ask for help. Be strong. With us. We are right here with you. Always.

http://www.hopeline.com/

https://www.imalive.org/

http://www.twloha.com/

http://www.halfofus.com/

Birthday Surprise

For my Birthday, my mom and I were thinking about what I want/need. The only answer we came up with, was nothing. This bothered her, or so I found out (it doesn't bother me, it makes me smile) when she told me she figured out what she wants to get me.

For about a year and a half I've wanted three very specific tattoos:

1) Regardless : to make the promise to God that I love Him Regardless of what happens to me in this life. That I trust Him and will never get angry at Him, or blame Him, or ever love Him less for allowing any trouble or suffering in my life. So if I'm in the hospital, or stuck in bed, or when they poke me for the fourth time to get my blood and I'm frustrated and exhausted, I can look down at that tattoo on my arm and smile at the truth that I love God regardless and He loves me regardless. It's just beautiful to me.

2) His Grace Is Enough : 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 NIV84

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

3) Truth : I want it behind my right ear, so that only Truth, God's Truth that has eternal value will be what I hear and believe.

Now which of these will I get for my birthday? I'm not completely sure yet. I'm leaning towards regardless. But I saw these photos below the other day and I couldn't wait to share them. So here we go. I think they are wonderful.

A lot of people don't think tattoos are a good idea and a lot of people of faith think I'm destroying the beautiful body God gave me. I understand that and respect it. I ask you respect my decisions, which trust me when I say are between me and God and I definitely discuss them with Him, even if you don't understand. But what I really want to say, is that if you don't believe in getting tattoos or can't get them right now, find a phrase or word you need right now. Then take a white board dry erase marker and write it on your mirror in your bathroom. It gets me through and I know it will help you too. Good luck. Lots of love.

The Shape Of Us

I love this song by Ian Britt. I feel like, this sounds cheesy, and maudlin, but it's real, it feels like Jesus talking to me. Telling me who I really am, drowning out the world's lies. It makes me feel loved, known, at peace, home, understood. I really needed it tonight, and for the last few weeks. It makes me think, "Yeah. We can do this."

You're no longer alone.
We've found a space to name our own.
There aint no need to fret or fuss.
We've got all the strength we need in the shape of us.

And I know you've had it tough.
Your road's been bumpy and rough.
But say goodbye to a world that you once knew.
I have every faith in me and you.

Hold my hand.
Hold my heart.
Let go your fear.
Darling I will always be here.

I never felt quite so at home.
Your sweet caress is the best I've known.
Now that I've proved to you that I'm worthy of your trust.
Let us build a world in the shape of us.

Chorus.

Darling I will always be here.

credits

Check him out here: http://ianbritt.bandcamp.com/track/the-shape-of-us-2

March 19, 2012

My Broken Heart

I've enjoyed living in ignorance all these years, thinking the International Olympic Committee cares more about the art and love of sport and competition rather than ratings, endorsements, or money. Now....now I just feel sick to my stomach.

When I was a little girl and adults asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I told them I wanted to play softball in the Olympics. They kind of chuckled and then realized I was serious, and they felt awkward and then asked what else I wanted to do. It's been over 17 years since then, and we have only moved backwards. This is all crap. Stealing little girls' dreams from them!? Stealing mine?!

Even now, if you were to ask me what I wanted to do when I grew up, who I wanted to be like, a huge part of me would want to tell you that I really wish I could grow up to be Jessica Mendoza. And I mean that seriously. I tell her so a couple times a year on Twitter. I once heard it made her day. I posted it with this picture: