“And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck. If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out. And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell. And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell, where
“ ‘their worm does not die,
and the fire is not quenched.’" (Mark 9:42-48 NIV84)
One of my biggest fears is if God were to heal me physically.
You see, when I was healthy, it was so much easier for me to sin. I did everything but worship God, praise God, love God, or choose God above myself. It was always about what I wanted, what my dreams were, what my desires were, what I could do for me. I had become completely self-sufficient without the need for God because I was healthy enough to think I was doing everything on my own.
But when I got sick...all I could do was need God and wholeheartedly know I needed Him. While physically unhealthy I can't do anything without Him.
I can't make a meal without His strength helping me. I can't get dressed without His strength helping me. I can't go to the doctor without His strength helping me. I can't worship Him without His strength helping me. I can't write this blog or read without His strength helping me.
There are days I can't brush my teeth without His strength helping me. There are days I can't even sit up without His strength helping me. I can't do anything without be fully aware I need Him. I couldn't be self-sufficient now no matter how hard I try. I need Him to do any and everything and because I'm aware of that, that changes the decisions that I make about what I am going to do today.
My need of Him to do anything changes what I do. Would I really want to use God's strength to sin? No! And yet sometimes I do...and it saddens and sickens me. But at least now I'm aware of that. While when I was healthy, I wasn't at all. And if I were healthy, I wouldn't need His strength, or think I did anyway, as much and it wouldn't be as big of a deal if I sinned with my own strength, as compared to sinning with His.
I really am still quite the sinner. But at least now I know I am a better Christian because I'm not healthy, because I need Him all the time. It's less about me, and it's more about Him. He saved me from myself and my unhealthy desires--from doing what I wanted, for me, "on my own". Now I am reminded to do what I want for Him with Him. And even though I'm no where near where I should be, I am at least closer than I was when I was healthy.
When you are healthy you do things without really thinking about whether or not you really NEED to do them. But when you are sick and your energy is so limited you can only do a couple things a day if you are lucky, and that makes you prioritize. And when you're sick enough, they stop being your priorities.
Pain eliminates the unnecessary. You actually begin to know what truly matters. To God, not just to yourself anymore.
Being physically unhealthy keeps me focused on God and not myself, plain and simple. Being physically unhealthy prevents me from sinning as much. Being physically unhealthy...
If being healthy causes/caused me to sin, why shouldn't I "cut it off" or leave it cut off? Isn't it better for me to enter heaven physically unhealthy than to go to hell healthy?
Trust me, don't pray for me to be healthy because it causes me to sin, or at least makes it so much easier. Please believe that. Listen to me. I'm not saying this to sound holier than thou, because I painfully know that I am not, I am saying this because I am truly scared of who I was and because I never want to be her again. I can't be healthy again. Not yet. I don't trust myself.
When God and I know I am ready to be able to use being healthy for His purposes and not my own, we will both let that be, but for now, leave it cut off. God did that FOR me, not TO me. He saved me from myself and my temptation. If I'm never physically healthy ever again, but I enter into heaven that way, thank God.
I don't NEED to be physically healthy, especially if it's such a temptation. All I need is God and spiritual health, which I have and am working on. I'm so thankful God cut my health off for me, because I wouldn't have done it on my own, and I would have led myself straight into my own destruction and downfall. So please, don't you dare try to reattach my health, and don't you dare let me reattach it. Leave it cut off. Please.
And whatever is causing you to stumble farther from God, whatever is causing you to sin, if you can't cut it off yourself, let God. Trust me. Let God.
Besides, what good is physical health if you aren't spiritually healthy? And if you are spiritually healthy, who needs physical health? How physically healthy was Christ while suffering on a cross for our sins?
Trust me, personally, the temptation of being physically healthy is too much for me right now; I'm not ready, and both God and I know that. And as long as I work on my spiritual health, who cares about my physical health. This is all temporary anyway...Cut it off. Every temptation, cut it off.
Posted with Blogsy
No comments:
Post a Comment