Being disabled leaves me feeling unwanted, unneeded and like a constant burden. So I hide the broken. I hide the sentient. I hide. And I hide some more. Just waiting, begging, for someone, anyone, to come along and ask...
I can literally only think of one person who asked this question with absolute sincerity without fearing or dreading or assuming or awaiting the saddness associated with the answer. She was a complete stranger. I only happened to overhear her name. And every time I think of her I thank God endlessly for her. I pray for her. And I carry on her message.
We were both headed to the same doctors office, Pamela and I, and as we waited for the elevator she asked me, wholeheartedly, genuinely, with the deepest sincerity while she looked straight into my eyes and thus my soul with such loving concern that I actually took the time to answer her truthfully--
She asked me, "How are you today?"
I was going to say "fine" until I looked into her eyes that were genuinely asking for the real answer. I said, as I looked at how I was actually dressed and had some mascara on and was mostly pain free on a perfect spring day in the Pacific Northwest, my happy place, with a smile on my face, "You know what, I'm actually doing pretty well".
She smiled actually glad to hear that news, and then I asked her the same question with as much sincerity and concern in my voice if not more than hers while looking into her eyes and soul.
She replied with a smile on her face, and a sort of chuckle, "Not bad considering six months ago doctors told me I had six months to a year to live".
I was stunned. Couldn't get another word out no matter how desperately I begged God to help me say something, anything.
We rode in the elevator to our floor in mostly silence. Pamela tried chatting with the mom who had a kid's hand in each of her hands, but the mom looked concerned Pamela was so chatty. I even became mad the mom was reacting that way to her, but still nothing. Not a single word or sound.
They got off on the second floor. Then we did on the next. The only thing I could get my self to do was "run" up ahead and hold the door open for her with a gentle smile. I have prayed ever since that she understood that action was everything I wished I could have said but didn't, couldn't. I think she understood. Or at least when I replay this scene in my mind for the thousandth time, I have edited it to imagine that her smile back in thanks while I held the door said she understood why I couldn't find any words. Because there weren't any. She was the happiest and friendliest and most social terminally ill person, or as I've referred to her all these years, an angel. One of God's most amazing children.
I know that my disabilities and auto-immune diseases have made me more empathetic, but I think God did most of the work through that interaction with Pamela.
Ever since I sit on the edge of an emotional cliff hoping someone, anyone, will look me in the eyes the way she did and ask both me and my soul for the absolute truth: How are you?
Because of Pamela I also look for anyone else sitting on the cliff to see if I can talk them even a little ways away from it with a loving look into their eyes and soul as I ask them for the absolute truth: How are you?
It's amazing what the right question from the right person said in a sincere way can do for a human being. How it can save them.
It's a double edged sword, "How are you?", because most really don't want the truth.
That's why it's so surprising when A) someone even asks sincerely and B) when someone answers sincerely.
But when someone asks you that one question the way Pamela asked me, it means so much more than they will ever know. So much you just might be filled with so much of their love it gives you the bravery to actually answer with your deepest and possibly darkest truth.
And "How are you?" is just the beginning of what real love that does can look like. It is just the beginning to really loving someone and actually loving them with your words and heart and actions.
It is only one of many phrases I wake up wishing someone, anyone, would say to me today.
One of an absolute many...
FIVE WORDS
This article on To Write Love On Her Arms Blog easily could have been written by me. It almost even got to the point while I read it where I wondered, "Am I sure I didn't write this?" But she has a boyfriend, so I knew it wasn't me.
(Come on, that was funny!)
I implore you to read it, and then read it again. Write it on your heart's mind and make sure you never forget. You may never meet a Pamela, but you will have both the TWLOHA blog entry and this blog entry. Remember them! Apply them!
FIVE WORDS
- HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
- I'M JUST LISTENING TO YOU.
- CAN I PRAY WITH YOU?
- I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
- I HAVE FAITH IN YOU.
- YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN
— WHAT OTHER FIVE WORDS, OR ANY WORDS, DO YOU WAKE UP WISHING SOMEONE, ANYONE, WILL SINCERELY SAY TO YOU?
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